


Hold Me Tight

by LdyFcknNoir



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Anger, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempted Suicide, Based on a Fall Out Boy Song, Domestic Fluff, Drug Abuse, F/M, Fall Out Boy Lyrics, Triggers, drug overdose, this turned DARK fast
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-09-07
Packaged: 2019-06-27 21:04:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 26,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15693348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LdyFcknNoir/pseuds/LdyFcknNoir
Summary: She watched as Chat Noir walked away from her without looking back. She wanted to call out to her partner, tell him that she was sorry, that she didn't mean it, but she couldn't. She could only watch helplessly as he walked out of her life. He stopped and spoke so quietly she was sure she was imagining it."I hope you have a fun life, wrapped up in all the lies you've created."And then he was gone.





	1. I Just Can't Pretend

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first try at a fic that's exclusively my own. This will be a reveal fic, but I'm hoping it'll be different from the rest. Anyways, here's a mini chapter to get the party started!

“It’s just not the right time, Alya.” Marinette sighed and continued to walk to their college.

“To hell with that, Mari. You’ve been saying that for _years_ now. He deserves to know. Especially now that Queenie has figured out who we are.” Alya put her hand on her hip and stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. “You’re being unreasonable.”

“ _No, I’m not._ How would you tell the guy you’ve been in love with for _years_ ‘oh, by the way, I’m a klutzy nerd irl and I’m in love with you, but we can’t be together because I also love this _other_ man who friendzoned me years ago.’ _Tell me, Alya. How would you do it?_ ” Marinette had stopped and had her hands balled into fists next to her. Her eyes were glassy and her bottom lip had a slight tremor in it.

Alya just stood there with her hand covering her mouth. Marinette wasn’t sure if it was due to her outburst or the fact that she had never said out loud that she was in love with Chat Noir until right then. Alya had started to aggressively push for a total reveal between the superhero group once Chloe had figured out Ladybug’s and Rena Rouge’s identities after an akuma attack. With over half of the group now aware of the person under the mask, Alya had started to call Marinette’s insecurities out about not revealing her true identity to Chat and Carapace. They were about to graduate college and all go their own separate ways. Marinette knew that the time was fast approaching, that in order to coordinate patrols and schedules with jobs, they would have to reveal their civilian identities.

But it had been ingrained into her for so many years now that they could never reveal their true selves. That it was too dangerous. That it could mean the difference between life or death. That she would always have the security of never disappointing her partner with who she truly was. That her heart would never be broken at the look on his face as he realized she was just Marinette Dupain-Cheng, champion klutz and stalker of Adrien Agreste. Her own shortcomings and flaws swirled like a neverending tornado in her mind.

Tikki had been sympathetic about the accidental reveal that led to the reveals that had already occurred, but what would she say about a total reveal? If Mari was completely honest with herself, she could admit that she was terrified that Tikki would be fine with it. 

“I would find the courage to come clean to all parties involved.”

Marinette felt like a bucket of ice water had just been dumped down her spine at the sound of the deep voice behind her. Her hands were truly shaking now. Her face felt like it was instantly glowing. While all these things are normal occurrences for Marinette, the terror that what she had just admitted was now public was too much for her. Her brain shut down and she couldn’t do anything except turn and face the speaker.

_Adrien Agreste._


	2. I Just Pinch Myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrien Agreste has only ever had eyes for one girl... But when Alya visits him, will that change?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just stick with me, things will start to heat up soon ;)

Marinette sighed and turned to continue walking towards their school. “It’s not that simple, Adrien.” She couldn’t believe that _Adrien,_ of all people, just happened to walk up when they were discussing her attraction to him. _I thought ladybugs were supposed to be good luck_ , she thought to herself wryly.

He caught up with her, walking next to her with a concerned frown on his handsome face. “Why not? Is there something preventing you from telling them? Do they know each other?”

She snorted. _Yeah,_ she thought, _you could say that. One of them I only ever see when we are fulfilling our superhero duties. The other…. Is you. You, who could have any girl you wanted. I never stood a chance, but I can’t turn off these feelings for you. Believe me, I’ve tried._ She couldn’t believe he had the gall to come over and make it seem like it was all her fault that she was torn between two guys. That was entirely too close to the truth for her, and her anger spiked. She wheeled around with her hands on her hips. “What if one of them were you? What would _you_ say? If I came up to you randomly and professed my undying love for you? What-” she slapped both hands over her mouth, horrified that she had gotten so lost in her emotions. She squeezed her eyes shut as tears threatened. 

“...is that the truth?” his quiet voice caused her eyes to snap open. “Or are you just trying to toy with my emotions because you’re pissed off that Alya is right?” His eyes bore into hers.

“I… what?” Marinette couldn’t formulate a response. His response was entirely too close to something Chat had once said to her as Ladybug. This had to be a dream. This couldn’t be happening. She had dreamed of how it would go when she finally had the guts to tell Adrien her feelings, and it wasn’t anything like this. It couldn’t be happening like this. “Are you serious?”

“Of course.” He suddenly took her hand and veered away from the school, nodding to Alya. Alya looked like she wanted to intervene, probably because of his actions yesterday when she came to visit. He smiled just a little at her, hoping his meaning was coming across. He was going to ask her out. Alya was clearly torn but she deflated and started trudging back to the school. He lead Marinette to a quiet corner of the courtyard, his arm tingling with the lightning strikes racing up his nerves where their hands connected. His body moved on autopilot as he recalled what had led to his presence here.

_“Marinette needs your help.” Alya said as soon as Adrien opened his front door._

_“Is she okay? Where is she? Let me get-” Adrien worried rambling was cut off as Alya pushed him in the chest, backing him up so she could walk into his apartment. He closed the door, thoroughly confused by Alya’s relaxed demeanor, which starkly contrasted with her words. “What’s going on?”_

_“Before I answer that question, let me you ask you one of my own. How do you see Marinette?” Alya sat herself down on the plush white couch with her elbows propped on her knees, her hands steepled as she waited for him to respond._

_“What do you mean? What is this about, Alya?” Adrien took a seat in one of his plush leather chairs. He was getting so many mixed signals from Alya he didn’t know how to respond._

_“Don’t play dumb, Agreste. I need to know if you see Marinette as anything more than a friend.” Alya rolled her eyes at Adrien’s obliviousness. She couldn’t believe after all of these years, he still had no clue that Marinette harbored a deep rooted crush on him._

_“I…. Ladybug…” Adrien’s voice trailed off._

_“Listen, I know about your crush on Ladybug. I also happen to know that you’re a certain bug’s partner. Let me ask you this: Will you spend your life alone, waiting for Ladybug to come to her senses and show you who she really is? What if that day never comes?” Alya’s words cut through him like a knife. He wasn’t that surprised that Alya had figured him out, she was an investigative reporter after all. “What would you say if there was a girl close to you that thought you hung the moon, that has had a crush on you since the first day you showed up at school? C’mon, Sunshine Boy, would you really turn away the chance to have a real relationship with a real person for a person that refuses to tell you who she really is? I’m breaking every rule of Girl Code over here, give me something to work with.” Alya certainly wasn’t holding back, it seemed._

_“Marinette…. Likes me? I mean, she’s a great girl…” Adrien didn’t know what to say. He knew what Alya was saying was the truth. He knew that he couldn’t keep pining after someone that obviously didn’t return his feelings. But….. but. He had spent years loving Ladybug from afar. Could he really just walk away from those feelings, just like that? He couldn’t know for sure, so it was the reason for his hesitation._

_“I see. Well, thanks for your time. Please just forget we ever had this conversation, for Marinette’s sake.” Alya stood up, her posture tense and her tone formal. Like she was speaking to a strangers she didn’t particularly like. Adrien’s heart clenched at the thought of losing Alya as a friend, just because he wasn’t sure how to get over Ladybug. He could tell she was disappointed in his response by the way she moved stiffly towards the door without looking at him._

_“....” Adrien didn’t know what the right thing to do was. On the one hand, he DID like Marinette. Her down to earth attitude, the way she was always helping out everyone, her fierce loyalty to those closest to her… Like him. She had always been shy around him, but as the years went on, became more herself in his presence. He was sure she was still holding some of her personality back from him, but she had at least became comfortable enough to come to their group fun nights and talk video games with him. He always found it adorable that she would sometimes stutter her words or jumble them up when talking to him. And how her cheeks became dusted with pink whenever that would occur. Or the way she would bite her lower lip when she was worried or nervous. His adoration didn’t even include her physical appearance. She had blossomed over the years, gaining curves in the right places and filling out. She was slim yet somehow muscular, like she went to the gym a few times a week. Her laugh was music to his ears, and when they hung out he strove to make her laugh so he could hear it just once more. Her excitement as she explained her latest fashion design or project always filled him with excitement, even though he had started to detest anything fashion related because of his father. But he could listen to Marinette go on for hours about how to dress up a barrel and make it stunning. He had no doubt she could, either. With a jolt, he realized that he WAS falling for Marinette Dupain-Cheng. But what about Ladybug? Ladybug was his partner, his bug in shining armor. She was fearless, ruthless when it came to fighting Hawk Moth’s akuma, brilliant, radiant in her beauty, but she was still just a mask. Questions with no answers swirled in his head, and so he remained stuck. He dimly noticed Alya letting herself out and slamming the door. He dropped to the couch with his head in his hands. Plagg flew out after Alya shut the door, laying a paw on his holder in a rare show of silent support._

He had spent the rest of that night tossing and turning, fitful dreams of Ladybug and Marinette back to back taunting him, kept him from getting any rest. As soon as it was light enough, he threw back his covers and jumped in the shower. During one of the last dreams he had, he had made his decision. Ladybug was walking away from him yet again, her back to him as she told him _‘You never had a chance. It’s always been him’_ before flinging her yoyo out and swinging off into the fuzzy surroundings. He knew that it was just a dream, knew that he shouldn’t be choosing how his life goes based off of a dream, but something about the way she said it… He couldn’t help but think it was real. So he had dressed in a hurry and ran to the school, hoping to catch Alya and tell her that he had made a decision. He had sighed in relief when he saw her and Marinette walking together, but it was quickly replaced by fear. Fear that Alya would tell Marinette that he didn’t return her feelings, and that Marinette would be lost to him forever. His heart sped up as his footsteps did. Just as he was about to call out a greeting, he saw Marinette whip around to face Alya, hands balled and face furious.

“ _No, I’m not._ How would _you_ tell the guy you’ve been in love with for _years_ ‘oh, by the way, I’m a klutzy nerd irl and I’m in love with you, but we can’t be together because I also love this _other_ man who friendzoned me years ago.’ _Tell me, Alya. How would you do it?_ ”

Adrien couldn’t believe his ears. Was he the man that ‘friendzoned’ her? Suddenly Alya’s visit made perfect sense. Marinette was _in love with him._ And apparently some other man who didn’t know her in real life. He didn’t dwell much on that part, his thoughts swirled around the fact that Marinette loved him. How many years had he wished a woman would love him? He had spent his teenage years pining after Ladybug, longing for her to see him as more than just her partner, to love him the way he loved her. The same Ladybug who had never returned his advances, who had told him from the beginning that there was someone else; he had just been too blinded by his infatuation to listen. It hit Adrien like a ton of bricks in that instant; all those years wasted. Years he could’ve spent with Marinette, loving her, being loved _by_ her. So he had said the first thing that had come to mind, only for her to turn around with a look of total horror at his interruption. His heart had faltered at her reaction, but he found the courage to keep moving forward. He wasn’t going to miss this chance if he could help it. 

And now here he was. Walking with a girl that is in love with him, his hand in hers as they sought out a private place to discuss their feelings. His head reeled with how fast everything was progressing, but he wouldn’t have it any other way, either. He continued to lead her across the courtyard in silence, until they arrived at the destination he had envisioned. A giant oak tree covered the northwest corner of the courtyard, right next to where the wall surrounding the courtyard and the school building met. A wrought iron bench sat facing the junction of walls, shaded except for the small rays of sunshine that would filter through the leaves when the wind blew hard enough. He had come there often to study, it was secluded enough that no one ever came close enough to bother him. He sat her down on the bench, keeping his hand in hers. She was looking everywhere else but at him. He wanted to reach up and put a hand on her face, but he wasn’t sure she was ready for such an intimate gesture.

“Is it true?” Adrien asked again quietly. He hated putting her on the spot, but he also wanted to know before they went any further.

“I…” Marinette sighed, lifting her eyes to finally look at him, “It is. I’ve loved you for a long time. I figured you knew and just didn’t return my feelings.”

“But what about this other guy? The one that doesn’t know you in real life? Is he some sort of online friend?” Adrien couldn’t help but press for the answers he needed.

“He doesn’t know me. Well, most of me. He only sees one side of me. And I’ve only ever seen one side of him. I don’t know enough about him to love him. Even though he’s offered…. Well, it doesn’t matter. It isn’t going to work.” She closed her eyes against the painful thumping of her heart, knowing that she had to let Chat go if she wanted to have Adrien. She opened them again to look at Adrien, who looked as if he wanted to reach out to her. Gaining some of her Ladybug confidence, she picked up one of Adrien’s hands in both of hers. “I’ve lo- liked you since the moment our hands touched when you gave me your umbrella. That was the both the best and worst day of my life. It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way, Adrien. I don’t know what Alya did to talk you into this, but you don’t have to mffft” he couldn’t stand hearing the pain in her voice, pain caused by him being an oblivious dweeb for so long, so he kissed her. A firm pressing of his lips against hers until she gasped. Seizing his chance, he deepened the kiss. Keeping his hand that was being held by hers still, he brought the other up to gently cup her face, surprised when he felt something wet sliding down her cheeks.

He immediately broke off, gasping for air and totally ashamed of his own actions. “I’m sorry, Mari. I didn’t mean to make you cry. I’m _so_ sorry.” He dropped his hand from her face, preparing to stand up and bolt. He couldn’t believe he had gone so far. That he was so intent on erasing Ladybug’s face that he used Marinette as a balm to soothe the wound.

Marinette’s eyes were glassy and unfocused as she tried to process the abrupt change in mood. Adrien started to get up and her cloudy thoughts burst. “Wait! Don’t go.” She grabbed his hand as he was about to turn. “Please. This is all just happening a little fast and I’m trying to wrap my head around it.” She took a deep breath as Adrien sat back down next to her. “I’ve lo- liked! I’ve liked you for so long, and now here you are kissing me and I don’t know how you feel and…. It’s just a lot.” She finished looking down at their hands, too afraid to look into his face if he was going to reject her. 

“I think we have more in common than either of us knew. I’ve also liked a girl that only sees just a bit of me. She’s never indicated to me that she feels the same way, and I just… ugh. I thought if I waited for her…. But no. It’s been _years_ and she still doesn’t see me. And now, you’re here…”

Marinette’s eyes narrowed as she wrenched her hands away from Adrien. “So, what? I’m just some sort of distraction? Just a filler because the girl you like doesn’t like you back? I’m not like that Adrien, I-” she was once again silenced by his lips on hers, only this time it was more desperate. She tried to pull away, but his hands cradled her face yet again and he pressed their foreheads together.

“No, I’m botching this. I’m saying everything all wrong. Please just hear me out. What I’m trying to say is that I’ve liked you for a very long time too, Marinette. It’s just taken me awhile to get past my feelings for the other girl. You’ve been right here in front of me, wanting me, waiting all these years for me and I was just too stupid to notice it. It’s a little hard to admit something like that, especially to the girl who you’ve been neglecting. So please, just…. Don’t hate me, okay?” Adrien’s voice wavered at the end of his speech and Marinette’s heart broke for him.

“I could never hate you, Adrien. I just have my defenses ready to fly up at the slightest rejection from you. That’s not fair to you. I just,” she intertwined her fingers in his that were still resting on her cheeks. “I want us to work. Ya know? I’m not a fling type of girl. Hell, I’ve been in love with you since I was fourteen…” Her eyes widened as she realized she had just told him that she loved him. “I mean…” but the damage was already done. He had leaned back, looking her full in the face as she waited for the anvil to fall out of the sky onto her. 

“You’ve already said you loved me, Mari. I’m not running anywhere. I want us to work too. You deserve the world, Marinette, and I’d love to be the guy that’ll give it to you… If that’s alright with you? Would you be my girlfriend?” Adrien smiled her favorite crooked smile at her.

“NO! I MEAN, NO WAY! _Shit!_ Pull yourself together, Marinette,” she chided herself while Adrien watched in amusement. He could definitely get used to seeing her flustered by him. “OFCOURSEI’LLBEYOURGIRLFRIENDADRIENAGRESTE!!!” Marinette forced the words in her brain out a little louder than was necessary, but she was still proud of getting them out in the first place. And they weren’t even scrambled, either.

Adrien caught her up in a bonecrushing hug before lifting her bodily to swing her around. Both Ladybug and Chat Noir were still in the back of each of their minds, but for now they were simply happy that they had found someone to love them. The normal, everyday part of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic was inspired by the song "Hold Me Tight Or Don't" by Fall Out Boy


	3. Hold Me Tight Or Don't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chat Noir finally gets what he's wanted for years.... but it doesn't turn out the way he envisioned it would. Instead of exhilaration, he only felt exhaustion. What should've been a heartfelt act, only showcased all the lies he believed over the years. Can they come back from this? Even he isn't sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not really happy with this chapter, but I've kept you all waiting long enough. Any lyrics used in this fic are FOB's, I do not own them. Without further ado, I give you a half reveal and some angst.

It had been three months since that time. Graduation was next week, and stress levels were high. Hawk Moth had ramped up the akumas, keeping the group of superheros worn down and exhausted. They had to start rotating shifts, unable to all show up when an akuma threat rose. Ladybug still had to cleanse each akuma, so she never fully recovered before the next threat arose.

Adrien was puzzled as to why Marinette was so tired all the time. They would go out three days a week, although it would have to change to accommodate patrol and akuma attacks. So far he had managed to successfully juggle his superhero duties and civilian relationship without making Marinette too suspicious. It seemed like she had just as much to do as him, she cancelled almost as often as he did. She liked to be home during an akuma attack, so she would disappear, only to reappear after it was over. Adrien didn’t put too much thought into it, he always had an excuse himself.

Hawk Moth was pulling out all the stops, it seemed. There had been an akuma every other day for the past two weeks. Tensions were running high amongst the superhero team. Everyone was exhausted and irritated and just not at their best. And while they had less energy than usual, it didn’t exactly explain what was going on between Chat Noir and Ladybug. He spent most of his free time thinking of ways the conversation they needed to have regarding their civilian relationships could be different, but he just couldn’t find a way to break through that stubborn barrier she had erected. _It would help if she just stopped being so stubborn and just revealed her civilian identity,_ Adrien thought to himself each time he was denied. He didn’t let it deter him, he would keep trying until he finally made her see reason.

He got his wish that night. In just that one night, everything changed. He went through another long day of school, followed immediately by mountains of homework. Once he was finally all through with everything, just when he thought that he could _actually_ relax, an akuma alert beeped on his phone. And so he called Plagg to him and spoke his transformation words before vaulting off of his private balcony towards the threat. The akuma was relatively easy, a man that had been accused of cheating, which in hindsight was wildly ironic. No, it’s what happened afterwards that shook his world, making everything good come crumbling apart at his feet. 

_It had just seemed like everyone else knew but me. I just wanted to get past everything, and clear the air. All I wanted was an honest conversation with her about it, instead of…._ Adrien dropped his book bag and sunk down wearily onto the couch, holding his head in his hands. He had moved through his day like a zombie, tormented and a pale shell of his former self. Marinette hadn’t shown up, for which he was equal parts grateful and concerned about. When he had finally managed to escape and come home, he couldn’t help but replay it in his mind once again for what must be the thousandth time. It seemed like the universe just wanted the torment to remain fresh in his mind.

________________________________________

_They had just defeated Womanizer, who had been accused of cheating on his fiancée. His power had made every woman and man alike into his personal army. It had been just him and Ladybug fighting, the others were scheduled for the next akuma. He had wondered if Ladybug had been purposefully avoiding him, seeing as how they hadn’t fought together for almost two weeks. Ladybug was the one that made the patrol schedules, and he had been teamed with Rena Rouge the last three times. After cleansing the akuma, she did their customary ‘pound it’ and turned away to leave. He had called after her and asked if they could talk for a moment. For a moment he thought she would refuse, but she had sighed and said ‘the usual place’ before yo yoing off. She didn’t sound put out about it, but he had been her partner for long enough to tell that something was going on. He had extended his baton and turned in the direction of the Eiffel Tower, arriving a few moments after her. She was leaning against the rail, looking down on the city they had sworn to protect. He had watched her for a moment, feeling miles away from her even though they were only separated by a couple of feet at most. He walked up and leaned against the rail, staring out as she was._

_“What is it, Chat?” Ladybug continued to survey their surroundings, asking him without looking his direction._

_Chat frowned before answering, “I thought we could talk for a few moments. I know you’re tired, as am I, but…. I’ve missed you Bugaboo.” He had tried to keep the crushing loneliness out of his voice, but she had picked up on it anyways. She turned and studied him._

_“I’m sorry, Chaton. It’s been hard these past few months. Hawk Moth seems to never sleep and I’ve got school and….” She gave him an appraising look, looking for something in his gaze before continuing. “I’ve…. I’ve met someone, Chat. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted, ever dreamed of having. But… “ she trailed off miserably._

_“But…. You still have me throwing myself at you. You know, on the days that you don’t avoid me entirely.” His tone came out harsher than the joking tone he was going for. Still, it wasn’t anything that wasn’t true._

_“No, it’s not that. And I’m not avoiding you. Like I said, I just have a lot going on. Everyone just wants more and more time out of me. Without ever stopping to think that maybe I’d like some time to myself! Hawk Moth seems to think we have nothing better to do than chase his fucking akuma’s around all the damn time. School doesn’t care what your excuses are, you have to turn your stuff in on time or fail. Even my boyfriend is constantly wanting to be with me, which I don’t mind except it usually gets interrupted with an akuma attack and I have to lie to duck away! I just can’t…. I can’t….” she slipped to the floor, the last of her tirade spoken to the ground. “I don’t know if I can do this anymore.”_

_Chat’s heart broke for her, his anger at her avoidance melting away at her melt down. He wasn’t sure how to help her, so he settled for sinking down to sit on his knees. When she didn’t protest, he reached out a hand and placed it under her chin. Her bluebell eyes were glassy as she tried to look anywhere but at him. He waited another moment before speaking softly to her, “I know it’s hard. But we’re the only ones that can do this. It’ll get better, Bugaboo. Hawk Moth has to be getting worn out by this point too. He can’t keep this up forever. We just have to be stronger than him until that time. And school is about to end. At least, it is for me so I’m assuming it must be for you.” Chat took a deep breath before continuing, knowing she wouldn’t respond well to his next words but needing to say them anyways. “Maybe…. maybe if we knew who everyone was, it would be easier…” her eyes snapped to his and her expression slammed shut. He felt the hurt at her closed off expression, but he also knew this would happen. And yet, he couldn’t help but think that she was still being ridiculous._

_She swatted his hand away, passing a hand over her eyes before laughing softly. Something about that laugh terrified Chat. When she looked at him, her expression was hard. “I should’ve known better. I should’ve known that you wouldn’t give up, that you would kick me when I was down too. Would that make you_ happy _Chat? To know the miserable person I am underneath this mask that’s only gotten heavier over the years? Huh?” She stood up. Chat stood and backed up a few paces, but she covered the distance, getting in his face. Anger covered her like an angry storm cloud, one that he had no hope of escaping before the storm broke. She poked him hard in the chest, forcing him backwards as she took angry steps towards him. “All you ever want from me is give, give, give. No thought to the consequences. None of you EVER think of the consequences. Rena is constantly badgering me to reveal myself to you, as if it would change anything. It won’t.” As she continued on, he finally started to thaw out from his shock. Anger quickly rose up in him and before she could continue to yell, he was in her face yelling back._

_“How the hell do you know? Who the fuck put YOU in charge? I thought we were supposed to be a TEAM. EQUALS. Since when do you get to decide what’s best for everyone? I wasn’t kicking you when you were down, Ladybug, I was trying to give you an opportunity to be honest, totally honest for once in your life!” He seethed at her, taking vicious satisfaction in the stunned look on her face. Every part of him knew that he should just shut up and vault away, that no good would come of continuing this shouting match, but he was past the point of caring. He would make her see reason about her flakiness on their identities. He would make her finally admit out loud. He didn’t have a prayer of a chance of knowing that he would be so stunned when she finally broke. Which is what happened about thirty seconds later._

_Her stunned look didn’t last for long, but by now he was relishing in their confrontation. This was the most passion he had seen out of Ladybug in weeks. “Honesty? You want fucking honesty? All this mask holds is lies! Your mask is no different than mine, Chat. I bet right now you’re lying to whoever you’re supposed to be with, just like I am! So don’t put yourself too far up on that pedestal. We stopped being a team the moment you decided to pressure me about who I am under the mask every opportunity you could? Am I not good enough for you anymore, Chaton?” He hated the way she said his name. He had always thought it was an endearment, but the way she said it just then made it sound more like a mockery. “Are you more obsessed with who I am under the mask than me in this suit? Or is it just so you can stalk me in my civilian form as well? Because, let me tell you,_ you don’t need to. _I already spend enough time thinking about how in love I am with you. I-” her mouth snapped shut at the same time his dropped open. He could see the mortification on her face, but it didn’t matter. All he could hear was the same sentence repeating over and over in his mind. All he could think about was his dream was finally coming true. He had loved this woman ever since he was a teenager, and now she finally returned his affection._

_He should’ve thought of Marinette right then, of how happy he was with her. But he didn’t._

_It was his turn to give her an appraising look as she refused to open her mouth any more. “What about this boyfriend of yours? Wasn’t he enough to purge me from your mind? What’s the matter? CHAT got your tongue?” He approached her. She watched but otherwise didn’t move. He leaned into her space, placing his lips dangerously close to her ear to seductively purr, “because I could, you know. All you have to do is open that pretty little mouth of yours, Bug. I’ll show you what you’ve been missing all these years.”_

_He should’ve thought about Marinette and left, but he didn’t._

_A shudder went through Ladybug’s body as his breath hit her skin, and he revelled in it. She hadn’t protested yet, hadn’t moved a muscle since he first came close to her. He let his breath ghost over the shell of her ear as he whispered. “C’mon, Bug. Where’s all that fire? Aren’t you going to push me away?” He didn’t quite touch her, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to control himself once he did. He wanted to give her every opportunity to run away, and he would let her. But he knew her too well, and he knew that now that she had revealed her true feelings for him, she would stay and sort them out. It was just the kind of person she was, and he loved it about her. She mumbled and even with his close proximity to her, he still didn’t catch what she said. “What? Speak up, Bugaboo. I can’t hear you.”_

_“...I’m tired of fighting it.” Chat could hardly believe his ears, and he rewarded her by leaning back and placing his arms on either side of her face. He tilted her face up, but made no other move than that. “I- I can’t do it anymore. My boyfriend is the most amazing person I’ve ever met. Kind, sweet, thoughtful, an- and loyal. But at the end of the day, he isn’t you. And I’m tired of trying to hide it from him, from you, from everyone. I’m so tired…” Her bottom lip trembled and she closed her eyes. And so he waited._

_He should’ve put a stop to it right there. He should’ve thought about how Marinette would feel if he cheated on her with Ladybug. But he didn’t._

_When she opened her eyes a moment later, they were filled with resolve. “Damn the consequences.” was the only warning he got before her lips were crashing onto his. He only had a moment to recover before she started to trail kisses along his jaw, her hands running along his chest and down his stomach to cup the very obvious bulge in the front of his suit. He cradled her face once again in his palms, bringing her lips back to his. The kisses were sloppy and full of unrestrained lust. He plunged his tongue into her mouth, running it over every part of her he could reach. When she broke to gasp for air, he simply trailed his lips along her neck. Reaching her ear once more, he pulled her lobe into his mouth. Nibbling on it lightly before gently sucking, he couldn’t help the moan as she shuddered and gripped him through his suit. His suit felt suffocating, restricting him from feeling her soft hands on him but also keeping him from feeling her skin as well._

_She seemed to be thinking along the same lines as him, because her hand left his bulge to trace back up to his bell. She flicked it with a smirk as he shuddered. She gripped the bell, and began to slowly pull it down. It parted like paper as she drew it down, down, down. He had paused in lavishing her neck with love marks, drawing satisfaction out of her having to explain those to her mysterious boyfriend later on. He waited as she continued to draw it down until she reached the end. His breath caught as her hands left his body. She turned around, showing him her back. She looked over her shoulder and said in a sultry voice that made his cock ache even more, “Can you help me out here, Chaton? Mine unzips in the back and I just can’t quite reach it.” The smirk on her lips was a challenge he would gladly accept._

_He stepped forward, but instead of immediately reaching upwards to find the hidden zipper, he instead reached for her waist. Placing a hand on either hip, he pulled her flush against him. They both moaned as her ass came into contact with his cock. He ground against her for a moment before slowly dragging his hands up over her slim stomach. He lightly ran his claws along the underside of her breast before palming one and starting to knead it. His lips fastened on her neck, as he nipped and sucked marks into her skin. The moans he drew out of her were delicious, but he wanted to feel her, all of her. After tweaking her nipple, earning another moan, he withdrew both his mouth and his hands; placing his hand on her zipper. He started to pull it down, agonizingly slow, relishing in the expanse of skin that was opening up. He wanted nothing more than to completely shed his suit right then and there, but his Lady’s pleasure came first. As soon as he couldn’t pull it down any further, he immediately ran his hand up her spine, lightly scratching at her skin and earning another shiver. He pushed the material of her suit off of her shoulders and reached around to tug it off of each arm. His bare chest was flush against the skin of her back, and he nearly lost his mind. He was SO CLOSE to unwrapping this beautiful gift that was his Lady. After clearing her fingers of the skin tight material, he brought his hands back to her hips. Waiting a moment to see if she would stop him. When nothing but soft flustered noises came, he started pushing the material down. Her hips shifted as she tried to move his hands closer to where she wanted them but he feigned ignorance and continued until he had to bend down to keep going._

_After what seemed like forever, she finally stepped out of the material. She started to turn around, but he grabbed her hips and stilled them. She made a noise of protest and looked over her shoulder in question, but he just shook his head. He stood up, quickly divesting himself of his own suit before kicking it off to the side. He was sure Plagg was going to be furious with him later, but at the moment he couldn’t particularly be bothered to care. He would gladly take whatever punishment Plagg would dish out if he got to experience THIS beforehand. He stepped back up to her, once again pressing his hardness against the softness of her ass. All at once it seemed real. This was happening. A distant part of him screamed to stop, to think of Marinette, but he was too far gone. His Lady was right here in front of him, offering herself to him. There was no way he was going to pass this opportunity up._

_He shook his head and lowered his lips back down, fastening them to her pulse point and his hands grazed her sides before slipping back up to palm her breast. He started kneading, alternating between lightly tweaking her dusky nipple and gently squeezing. The moans he earned only made him harder. The feel of his skin on hers was heady, and he struggled against losing his mind and just taking her. “m’Lady…” his breath caused her to shiver, but he was done with being gentle. He spun her around, once again capturing her mouth with his. He felt like he was trying to drink her in, to make her a part of himself. They broke apart, both gasping for air. The chill of the night caused his fevered skin to goosebump, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He arranged their suits into a makeshift bed the best he could before gesturing to it and dipping into a mock bow. “After you, m’Lady.” He smirked at her as she sauntered over to him. Her eyes were wide as she took all of him in. But it didn’t deter her, only made the fire between them grow hotter. This had been a long time coming, and both were tired of fighting it._

_He took her in his arms as soon as she got close enough, unable to wait any longer before touching her soft skin once more. As they locked lips, he dipped her backwards until they were both falling. Years of superhero work made their reflexes excellent, so he had plenty of time to catch her and lower her gently the rest of the way down. Once she was laid bare in front of him, he sat up. His eyes took in her swollen pink lips as she gasped for breath. His rosy nipples were hardened against the cold air. His eyes continued down until they reached the destination he planned on attacking next. She seemed to sense his course of action, because she spread her legs for him and beckoned to him with a crooked finger. He smirked before lowering himself back down. Reaching out, he let a finger slide down her slit, delighting in the strangled noise she made. He inserted his finger, watching as all reason left her face and only pleasure remained. He pumped his finger, revelling in the fact that_ he _was the one doing this to her. He lowered down until he was able to run his tongue up her slit, tasting her for the first time. She moaned loudly, threading her fingers through his hair and pulling. He continued his assault, adding a second finger and concentrating on taking her swollen button into his mouth and sucking. She writhed beneath him, her moans a beautiful symphony that he never wanted to forget. She tasted sweet, like flowers and sugar and innocence and he couldn’t get enough of her. He crooked his fingers just a bit, hitting her sweet spot and causing her to cry out his name. He shuddered at the sound of his name (it was his superhero name but hey, he’d take it) coming out of her mouth before he devoted all his attention to getting her to release. He lapped at her like a warm bowl of milk, like the cat he was, and withdrew his fingers. She whimpered at the loss, but he immediately replaced his fingers with his tongue. Darting his tongue in and out of her, his fingers rubbed circles into her swollen nub. She moaned wantonly as she neared the edge. “Cum for me, my Lady” and suddenly her body seized up with her release. His name fell from her lips over and over as he lapped at her juices. When she finally relaxed, he sat up and caught her glazed over gaze. He took his fingers in his mouth, licking them clean while she stared at him with a lovesick smile._

_He bent down once again kissing her still swollen nub, causing her to twitch. He continued upward, pressing kisses to her stomach and the underneath of her breast. His other hand came up to grasp the other breast, squeezing it gently. He took her nipple into his mouth, swirling and flicking his tongue and tweaking her other nipple. She arched up against him, mewling loudly. He continued upward, sucking marks into her skin as he went, delighting in each and every sound she made. He captured her lips in a passionate kiss, losing himself in all that was his Lady. She matched his passion with a fervor of her own. He delighted in the battle of tongues and teeth, feeling like he could devour her whole if she’d let him. They broke apart, and he buried his face into her neck, panting. He lifted his head after a moment, but only to place his lips near her ear and whisper, “Are you sure, my Lady?”_

_He should have thought about Marinette, and how he had wanted to do this with_ her, _but Ladybug said “yes” with a gasping breath and he didn’t think about anything other than being with her in this moment._

_He reached between them and stroked a finger up her slit, wetting it with her juices before he lined himself up and slid into her slowly. The moan that escaped her was nearly indecent, but it fueled his passion all the more. He took a moment to just admire her in the moonlight. The way her pale skin seemed to gleam in the pale light, like she was a beacon. In a way, she was his beacon. He had loved her since he was a teenage boy who could barely control his hormones around her. He had dreamed of this day for_ years. _He started to slowly pump, her tightness nearly undoing him immediately. He couldn’t help the moan that escaped him, she was too far gone to notice it anyways. He picked up the pace, her moans reaching a crescendo as he slammed into her. It felt like he was trying to climb in her bones, melding with her until they were one. He felt pressure building up at the base of his spine, and his pace stuttered as he felt her contract against him in her own release, his name on her lips. His own release hit him full force, and he couldn’t do anything but cry out her name as it slammed into him. He nearly collapsed on top of her, his arms weak. He pulled out of her and collapsed next to her, his chest heaving as he stared up at the stars. They seemed somehow dimmer now, like a blanket was covering their brilliance._

_He was pondering why this was when he heard her say softly “Spots Off”. He could see a pink light cover her for a moment out of the corner of his eye. To say he was shocked would be a severe understatement. He was scared to turn his head and look, afraid to know who it was underneath the mask all of a sudden. Why now? He had been begging for_ years.

_”Look at me, Chaton.” Her voice was soft, yet he could detect a hint of fear in it. What does she have to be afraid of? He wondered at it for a moment, forgetting that she had given him a command. He was always powerless against his Lady’s commands, and so he slowly started to turn his head. Only to wish he never had._

_Next to him was Marinette, who was watching him with wary eyes. He knew he should be happy, ecstatic that his girlfriend was his Lady, relieved that he hadn’t actually cheated on her. Instead he just felt rage. She had deceived him all this time. He knew he was being irrational, but he couldn’t quite seem to make himself care. He wasn’t mad that she was Ladybug, because now that he knew it made perfect sense. He was mad that he hadn’t seen it, and that she hadn’t trusted him enough to tell him. Yet she trusted him enough to have sex with him, when she didn’t even know who he truly was! His thoughts spun around and around as he stood up, snatching his suit from where it was crumpled under where they had made love. He started to get into it, but it was hard to be enraged and pour himself into a skin tight suit so he ignored her and concentrated on getting dressed so he could get away and think._

_“You’re upset that its me.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement like she knew in advance that it would happen this way. This only served to infuriate him more._

_“No, I’m upset that you’ve done nothing but lie to me this entire time!” He tried to keep his voice level, but the irrational rage was making it hard. He turned to her, zipping up his suit. The sadness in her eyes struck like a lightning bolt to his heart, and yet still he couldn’t stop the anger._

_Sometime during his rage, she had stood up. She stood in the outfit he had seen her in earlier in the day, and it drove home reality. Marinette was Ladybug. Her eyes glistened with unshed tears, tears that he caused. “I haven’t lied anymore than you, Chaton.” Her voice held a dangerous edge to it that belied the tears._

_“Yes, you have. You instigated this,” he gestured between them, “when you have a boyfriend! While you chose someone else over me!” Suddenly he was taken back to the conversation he had overheard between her and Alya, about Marinette loving someone that only knew one side of her. That had to of been him. He stumbled backwards as she started towards him. “It was me. It was me that you were talking to Alya about that day. You chose to drop me in favor of Adrien. Why?! Tell me why!”_

_Her mouth opened, but no words came out. Her eyes narrowed before she spoke. “How do you know about that conversation? I did what I thought was best for the team, because there is too much history between us, and lately there’s been too much distance as well. The distance between us, it sharpens me like a knife! I’ve felt it’s edge for years now, slowly slicing away at what we used to be. I couldn’t destroy our partnership further by getting our civilian lives entangled with our superhero ones! It didn’t have anything to you or Adrien, it had to do with what was best for everyone! Why can’t you see that? Why can’t ANY of you see that!”_

_But Adrien was done being reasonable. He was past the limit of secrecy and past the limit of caring whether anyone saw or heard them. He only wanted to hurt her as much as he was hurting right now, damn the consequences. His voice was calm but deadly. “When I finally realized I can't not be with you, or be just your friend, it nearly broke me. I love you to death; but I just can't,” his voice took on a pleading tone before hardening, “ I just can't pretend. We were lovers first! You chose to come to me as Ladybug instead of Marinette, why? Why do we have to be confidants but never friends, were we ever friends??”_

_She tried to reach out to him, but he backed away. Her cool demeanor broke, leaving only a girl trying to conceal her tears. “You’ve been my partner for years, Chaton. I value that a lot higher than just ‘friends’. I hoped you understood that, but I see now that you didn’t, that you won’t. I’m sorry that you’re disappointed, but I can’t change anything now. All this time…. I’ve told myself that I can’t have you, that it would be too dangerous. And over the years, its made me numb. I never really feel a thing, I'm just kinda too froze. You were the only one that even kinda came close. Adrien, he’s been the boy I’ve pined after for years. When he was suddenly interested in me, I would’ve been a fool to refuse. Even though I’m happy with him, you’re always in the back of my mind. Can’t you see? I’m in love with you too! And I can’t do anything about it, there’s no way to change the way I feel about you.” She fell to the ground, he could see her shoulders shake as she couldn’t hold back the sobs anymore. He stood there a moment, and she lifted her head to look at him. Her face was pleading, wanting him to understand why she did what she did, but he only saw more lies._

_And so he walked away without looking back. When he reached the railing, he stopped to quietly say, “I hope you have a fun life, wrapped up in all the lies you’ve created.” before jumping up and extending his baton. As he ran through the city, the look on her face replayed in his mind over and over. It only served to make him more angry though. Why should SHE be the one that needs comforting? What about me? I was the one that was played, as both Adrien AND Chat. His thoughts continued to weigh him down as he arrived at his apartment, the only words he spoke the rest of the night were “Claws in.” He didn’t look at Plagg, only went to his bedroom and shut the door. He didn’t see the worried look Plagg shot his way before turning and phasing back through the door, intent on finding Tikki._

_In his bedroom, after he had tried to shower the memory of their lovemaking off of him, he laid on the bed. Sleep eluded him. He tried not to think about Marinette, tried to get her devastated look out of his mind, but he couldn’t. And so he laid there and replayed it in his mind over and over again, seeing Marinette’s devastated face and Ladybug’s dimmed glow._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm glad to see you all survived reading that disaster of a reveal! Next chapter will be Marinette's point of view on the events of that night, and the fallout afterwards.


	4. I Can't Not Be With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We finally see how Marinette deals with Chat's abandonment. She never thought it would end this way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this story took a completely different turn than I thought it would. I always wanted to portray a different version of how their identity reveals would go, but I didn't expect.... this. I'll warn you, Mari spirals hard in this chapter. If you are triggered by attempted suicide, drug overdoses, dark shit in general, then this chapter is not for you. This rocked me to my core, and I'm the one that wrote it. I'm not sure why all my fics turn out dark.... Anyways, to make up for not updating in forever and not wanting to leave this chapter at what would be an obvious cliffhanger, I give this double chapter length monster. See you at the end of it!

Marinette slowly stood up, shock rendering her muscles frozen. She knew that she should’ve gone after him, should’ve _begged_ him to talk to her. Should’ve made him stay and see reason. Flashes of their last moments replayed in her head like a broken record.

_She watched as Chat Noir walked away from her without looking back. She wanted to call out to her partner, tell him that she was sorry, that she didn't mean it, but she couldn't. She could only watch helplessly as he walked out of her life. He stopped and spoke so quietly she was sure she was imagining it._  
_"I hope you have a fun life, wrapped up in all the lies you've created."_  
_And then he was gone._

She didn’t know what happened. The whole evening had been a whirlwind of emotion, from fighting one moment that somehow led to them finally breaking down and giving in to their hearts before ending with the look of utter betrayal on his face as he finally realized who she was. She knew that it was a bad idea, but she had finally let go, deciding that if it wasn’t good for them or the team, that she would deal with the consequences later. Now that moment had arrived but no solutions were coming to her numb brain. She hated the way he had looked at her as he figured out who she was, as he figured out that she had been in love with him. She didn’t know how he knew about the conversation between her and Alya, but it didn’t matter. Not now. Not when he was gone from her life. If she thought the pain from him not knowing her identity or the fact that she loved him without ever being able to tell him was unbearable, it was nothing compared to the crushing darkness that was descending on her now. It was like all the light in her world had been snuffed out all at once. A black cat had ripped her heart out and taken it with him as he swung through the streets, and it was her own fault. Everything was her own damn fault.

She pulled herself together long enough to stand up and whisper brokenly, “Spots On.” Then she was swinging her way back to her apartment, trying to outrun her decisions and the pain. She stumbled onto the roof by the rooftop access door, falling to the ground as tears blinded her sight once again. She detransformed and pulled the door open, not even looking in Tikki’s direction. She didn’t want to see the accusation in her kwami’s eyes, or even worse, the pity. She didn’t deserve pity. She had done this herself, had let everything in her life spiral out of control while she convinced herself there would be a fairytale ending to it all. She was thankful for the darkness of the hallway, and for the late hour. No one would see her stumbling to her door, unlocking it while she sobbed, and shutting it with finality.

She slid to the floor, her back against the door she had just entered. She would trade all of her tomorrows for just one yesterday. Just one day to relive her happiness. She had never felt so lonely in all her life. With her partner gone, she couldn’t find a reason to continue fighting. It was only a matter of time before Chat told Adrien what had happened between the two of them, and then he would be walking out of her life as well. For all she knew, Chat had already told him. There had been no new messages on her phone, which struck her as odd because she was supposed to have met up with Adrien for coffee that evening. She hadn’t shown up, hadn’t sent any kind of message letting him know that she had to cancel, and yet there was no inquiry from him as to what happened to her. No, she could only assume that Chat had made sure to get ahold of Adrien and let him know. Chat’s rage after she revealed herself had terrified her, even if it was warranted. She had never thought he would turn on her like that, that he would treat her as callous as he had. She had become complacent in his love for her, believing that he would always be there for her no matter what happened. Now her eyes were open to the truth, to the reality of the situation she had created. And she hated herself.

She sat against the door for the rest of the night, alternating between crying hysterically and staring numbly at nothing. During that time, a few pieces finally clicked into place, but in the end it wouldn’t have changed anything or made a different outcome. Tikki had tried to snap her out of it, tried to tell her that everything would get straightened out, but she had finally told her to go away. She didn’t want to hear false promises and hope that would never come to fruition. She was less than worthless, Chat had made sure to drill that into her. There was no point in continuing on. When the sun was once again high in the sky, her phone beeped with another akuma alert until she finally got up to shut it off. Tikki had tried to force a transformation on her, saying that she still had a duty to fulfill and that she needed to quit acting childish, until Marinette had calmly took her earrings out and placed them next to her on the floor until she could put them back in their box.

She had always believed that she never deserved to be Ladybug, and the argument with Chat had just concreted what she had always knew. She just wanted to stop fighting, stop trying, stop pretending she was alright. None of them knew what it was like, always being looked to when someone needed a problem fixed, being the one that had to come up with something when a plan needed to be thought up, or having to drop everything and be there when someone needed a shoulder to lean on. She had shouldered the weight of the world for too long, and the responsibility of it was finally crushing her. She had always drawn strength off of her friends, the group of superheros and the closeness that came with saving the city day in and day out. But those relationships had always been built on lies. Lies about what she did in her civilian life, lies about why they didn’t need to know, lies, lies, lies. And now those lies had finally caught up with her. And she couldn’t live with herself or her choices.

She knew it was only a matter of time before Alya appeared and demanded that she help with the akuma. She stood for the first time since she had collapsed against the door, waiting for the dizziness and lightheadedness to subside before shuffling forward. She made it to her room and opened her closet door. She moved a stack of plastic bins that contained various sewing projects and materials, revealing part of her closet flooring. She pried the floorboard up until she could reach her other hand down into the hole below and pull out the box her miraculous had came in. The tears wouldn’t stop flowing down her face as she placed them into the box, running her finger over the earrings one last time. On a whim, she turned around to dig in one of the bins. She produced a couple of scraps of fabric, one smaller than the other, and a fabric marker and wrote a short note on the smaller of the fabric pieces.

_Tikki,_

_I’m sorry. I tried telling you that I wasn’t cut out for this, but you always believed I could be better. I’m sorry that I never measured up to whatever it was that you saw. I’m sorry that you’ll be locked away until the next Ladybug candidate rises up. I’m sorry that you’ll have to wait even longer to see Chat Noir’s kwami. You always deserved better than me. Thank you for shining your light in my life for as long as you did. You’ve been my best friend for so long now, and I’ll always treasure our time together. Maybe in the next life…._

She couldn’t even finish her sentence, knowing that there wouldn’t be a next time for her. She had made her mind up, and there would be no going back after it. She simply scrawled her name underneath before folding the fabric and placing it on top of the earrings. She closed the box and placed it back underneath the floorboard before closing the hole up and sliding the bins back into place. She took the other piece of fabric and brought it to her bathroom. A strange sense of calmness had come over her once she had shed the weight of expectation off of her. She wasn’t happy, far from it, but she felt lighter than she had in awhile. She leaned over the counter to write out her final goodbye to Chat and Adrien. She had plenty of time to think while she contemplated her predicament, and she could only see one logical reason as to why Chat had exploded so viciously towards her. The reason why he knew about the conversation with Alya. The reason why he always disappeared after an akuma alert. All of the reasons ticked by in her head as she started to write.

_Adrien/Chat,_

_I just pinched myself, no longer comatose. I woke up from this nightmare with no luck. Ladybug has always been seen as a symbol of good luck, but I am no longer she. These are the last words we're ever gonna have, this note from me to you. I don’t want to hold anything back from you, I want you to see how deeply I loved you. I thought last night would’ve shown you how the glow of the city below leads me back to the place that I never should have left. Your arms. I should’ve forced you to stay on that platform with me, Chaton. I should’ve told you how I, too, finally realized I can't not be with you or be just your friend. Now I'm stuck sifting through the sand sand sand sand, looking for pieces of our broken hourglass to put back together. Trying to get it all back and put it back together as if the time had never passed. I messed up and I realize how much I’ve hurt you all these years. I wasn’t lying when I told you the distance between us sharpens me like a knife. I can't seem to get a grip, no matter how I live with it. It finally pierced my heart when you walked away, and I have no intention of living in a world that you aren’t a part of. I should’ve said something each day you drifted further and further away from me. Last night only confirmed that I should walk away, so that you can have your happily ever after. I’m doing that now, by removing myself from this world. But I need you to know something before I leave you to live your life in peace. I’ve got a feeling inside that I can't domesticate. It doesn't wanna live in a cage, a feeling that I can't housebreak. It burns like a wildfire inside of me, consuming me until it burns everything I love and then burns the ashes. I love you to death, I'm yours til the earth starts to crumble and the heavens roll away. I was struggling to exist with you and now I’m without you. I'm pretty sure that this isn't how our story ends, or at least that’s what I told myself after you walked away. But when you did, I realized that this whole damn city thinks it needs you, but not as much as I do. I wanted you to choose me, to prove my worth to you, but instead I gave you the option to hold me tight, or don't. You made your decision, and I will respect that._

_I just can't pretend that I’m not past my limits. You don’t know what it’s like. But I’m just a few more moments away from freedom, true freedom. Before I go, I want to set you free. Set you free, taking the collar off of your neck so that you can roam until you find a new partner. One that will appreciate you for everything you are; your bravery, loyalty, trust and your heart. I hope you can forget about me, forget the pain I’ve caused you by denying my feelings for you all these years. You’ll be a great leader to the others. I wish you all the best in the search for Hawk Moth. It’s time._

_Always and Forever Yours,_

_Your Lady_

She knew she had probably revealed too much, that this note could fall into the wrong hands and her identity be trashed, but she couldn’t bring herself to care anymore. Without Chat’s encouragement or Adrien’s sweetness, life was no longer worth living to Marinette. The note was smeared in places from her tears, and nearly illegible in others when her hand had shook too badly to write. She had to stop writing in spots, waiting for the sobs wracking her chest to subside long enough to continue. She briefly contemplated writing one for her parents before discarding the idea entirely. She couldn’t face them. Not with the decisions she had made. They deserved a better daughter than she had been. She had nothing she could say that would justify her actions.

She carefully placed the fabric to the side as she splashed her face with water. If she would’ve looked in the mirror, she would’ve seen how broken she looked. Her head ached from crying for so long, her eyes were nearly swollen shut. Her hair stuck out all over the place from the numerous times she had ran her hands through it trying to pull herself together. She was still clad in the oversized off the shoulder gray sweatshirt and black leggings she had worn to school the previous day. Her hands shook as she opened the medicine cabinet and pulled out a pill bottle. There were no pills in the container, but inside the bottle was the name and address of the person she could see to get more. She dried her face and hands before picking up the goodbye note and carrying it to where her sewing machine was.

She had always seen the machine as an alive part of her life, brimming with potential and humming with energy to create beautiful things. Now she just saw a dead thing to be tossed aside when her apartment was emptied out. A halfway finished scarf for Adrien sat next to it, the royal blue material picked out to highlight his skin tone. Her heart ached as she remembered how she had painstakingly embroidered the tiny ladybug accents all along the edge, intent on making Adrien an even better one than the one she made him in high school. She placed the fabric in the midst of the scarf, arranging the scarf so that only a corner of the fabric on which her note was written was showing. She knew that if anyone had a chance of finding it, it’d be Adrien.

Once she had completed her self assigned tasks, she dumped her purse on her bed. Digging through all the stuff she carried on a daily basis, she pulled out the cash she had on hand, her debit card, and her ID. Leaving everything else, including her keys and the now empty pill container, she slipped on black ballet flats. She found a pink coin purse that had her signature logo on it and shoved the slip of paper, cash, and cards into it. She didn’t even look back as she stepped into the hallway, pulling her front door shut behind her. She took the stairs down to the street level, leaving the building out of a side door that could only be accessed from the staircase. The trip to the ATM was a blur, she didn’t even know she had arrived at it until she snapped out of her self hatred long enough to notice her surroundings. She withdrew the largest sum of money that would fit into her coin purse, stopping to look up at the camera over the ATM before walking in the opposite direction. She knew that Adrien was smart, that he would try to track her by where her card was used last, and that was part of the reason for the cash withdrawal. She didn’t plan on leaving any traces _left_ for him to follow. Besides, the place she was going to dealt specifically in cash only business. It would be too late, regardless. She would be gone long before he thought to look for her, if he did at all. She had her doubts.

The sky was almost fully dark, twilight having come and gone unnoticed by her, as she finally started paying attention to her surroundings. The area she was in was located in one of the seedier spots in Paris, and she would have to stay on her toes if she wanted to make it to her destination. There were many people in this area that would see her as easy prey as she wandered down the street alone, and she would have to stay vigilant to make sure that didn’t happen now that the sky no longer provided light. The houses were shabby and older, long ago forgotten as the city expanded. Lawns behind wire fences were either dead or overgrown, no decorations or personal items left outside due to the theft problem. Long porches held old rickety rocking chairs or metal folding chairs. The outside lights were all burnt out, casting the front of each house into shifting shadows. She couldn’t tell if the porches were occupied, but she felt eyes on her as she hurried down the sidewalk with her face firmly pointed downwards. One street light worked on the street she was going down, its flickering light not bright enough to offer any comfort or safety.

She had only been to this neighborhood once, during the day when it was less ominous, after a citizen had requested her help getting home after an akuma attack nearly a year ago. The man had seemed nice enough as she dropped him off in front of his house, eagerly asking her to wait a moment while he ran inside to get her something for bringing him home. She had thought he meant like a bottle of water or something, and so she had smiled and nodded when he insisted. He looked to be in his mid 40’s, nicely dressed and clean cut; his house small with a little well manicured yard in the midst of the rundown houses and unkempt yards around him. He had appeared after a few moments, no water bottle in hand but still carrying something. He had offered her the pill bottle, telling her that if she ever needed to release some of the stress that went along with saving Paris day in and day out, he would love to help her. She had tried to refuse it, telling him that she was able to handle the job and its downfalls after so many years of doing it. He had leaned in close to her and whispered _but maybe there will come a time when you finally fall, when there is no relief to all the painful memories in sight. When that happens, come see me and I’ll help._ The way he spoke had sent chills up her spine at the time. He sounded so _sure_ , like it was inevitable that she would find herself at that point, and so she had taken it from him with the intent to destroy it as soon as she got back to her apartment. But once there, his words and the sure manner in which he spoke kept replaying in her mind. She figured it was safe to keep it and never intend to use the information on the slip of paper she could see wedged inside, and so she had stuck it in the back of her medicine cabinet and forgotten about it. She didn’t take pills often, usually only if she was really sick. She kept her birth control pills in the drawer of her nightstand, so she didn’t get into the medicine cabinet next to her mirror in the bathroom hardly at all. It was amazing that she remembered it was there at all, but now she was thankful for her hesitation. She would’ve never imagined she would be willing to use the information, but her life had fallen apart so quickly that she couldn’t think of any other quicker solution.

She approached the address, finding the same house and same yard as before. A small light bulb lit the porch up, revealing heavy metal bars crisscrossing the screen door. A quaint white rocking chair and small white table contrasted against all the metal on the door. She let herself in the gate at the end of the walkway leading up to the porch, lowering the latch on the gate so that it didn’t clang loudly and draw unwanted attention to her arrival. Her heart was pounding in her ears, but the rush of fear did nothing to dissuade her from the path she had chosen. This was merely a stop along the way towards freedom. She just needed to conduct her business and leave. She climbed the few shallow steps up to the porch and raised her hand to knock lightly on the door, but before she could the wooden front door beyond the barred screen door opened. The man stood on the other side of the screen, looking at her with a knowing expression. He opened the door and gestured for her to come in, stepping to the side so she could move past him. The room beyond the door was dark, lighting from the porch only revealing a strip of the wood floor before he closed it without a word. She opened her mouth to tell him why she was here, but he gestured for her to follow him deeper into the house. She stayed close on his heels as he turned down a small hallway that had three shut doors. He passed these doors and continued into an open doorway at the other end of the hallway. She squinted in the dim light, making out the outline of a bed and an armoire. He went to the armoire, flipping on a lamp next to the bed on his way. The silence was nearly deafening as she stood watching his back as he dug in the armoire. And so when he finally spoke, she jumped so violently she nearly crashed into the bookcase she hadn’t noticed she was standing next to.

“Are you looking for a permanent fix, or just to forget for awhile?” He spoke like it was the most natural thing in the world to discuss whether someone was ready to die or not. He didn’t turn around as he spoke, continuing to dig around as she took a moment to respond.

“Permanent.” Her voice was nowhere nearly as composed as his was, her throat raw from the constant crying, making her words come out more like a rasp than a composed answer. She barely had time to draw another breath before he was turning around and offering her another small pill bottle. This time it was half full of small blue pills. She lifted a shaking hand and took the bottle from him. “How much?”

“Do you want anything to wash it down with? I’ve got a spare bottle of vodka that you could chase them with. If you want that, it’ll be 150 euros. If not, just 125 euros.” His voice remained casual as he discussed business with the young girl before him. She had no idea what his normal clientele was like, whether she fit the description of a normal customer or if she was unusual in his line of work. She was kind of surprised that he hadn’t asked where she had gotten his info, or questioned her reason for seeking him out. Maybe he knew who she was, maybe he didn’t. She really couldn’t see how it mattered either way in the end, she just wanted to escape and find a nice dark corner to end her life in. Maybe that was normal for his clients.

“I’ll take it all.” She counted out the money and handed it over to him. He didn’t bother to double check her count, merely leading her back through the house to a small kitchen where a new clear bottle of vodka sat on top of a plain refrigerator. He lifted it down and passed it to her. He walked her back to the front door, stopping before he opened it to look at her one last time.

“I hope he knows what he’s done.” His voice wasn’t malicious, just tired and too knowing. She couldn’t think of anything to say in return and after a moment he opened the door and ushered her back out into the night. Without any further interaction, he shut the door and turned off the porch light. She stopped a moment and tried to understand what had just happened. Should she warn Chat? Let him know that someone is on to them? She laughed bitterly. After all this time, she still wanted to protect him. After he had used her and left her like used up trash. He had made it very clear that he wanted nothing more to do with her, so why should she care whether a random civilian knew enough to guess that Ladybug would need an out like this?

It took another twenty minutes of walking before she finally emerged out of the desolate neighborhood. She knew exactly where she was going now that she had her supplies. It would be a little hard to get to without being Ladybug, but she had managed before without Tikki’s help, she was sure she could do it again. Plus, she didn’t want to go anywhere near the spot where her world fell apart and run the chance of seeing Chat or any of the team there waiting for her. No, she had another spot in mind.

Her destination set in her mind, she started towards the Notre Dame. After all these years, it had remained a special spot to her. It was the first place Chat had ever opened up to her, revealing his pain at Ladybug’s denial of him. It was the first time she had seen Chat as more than just a partner and probably the moment that the love she now felt for him had started to blossom. As far as she knew, he had never returned to the spot, but she had returned a few times over the years when she wanted to reorient herself. When she wanted to feel like what she was doing mattered, and when she wanted to feel closer to her increasingly distant partner. No, she didn’t expect to be found here, and that’s what made it the perfect spot for her final goodbye. An idea came to her mind and she decided to make a slight detour to a small convenience store along her route. Once she had purchased the necessary items and collected her alcohol and pills she had stashed behind a garbage can before going into the store, she resumed her walk.

Climbing up the wall burdened with her items was a little more difficult than she thought it would be, but she had set her mind to making it work, and so her stubbornness had paid off as she climbed over the edge of the rooftop. She took a moment to rest, looking across at the gleaming lights of the Notre Dame. She could see why Chat had picked this spot all those years ago, the way the lights reflected off the Seine with a soft glow gave it a magical quality. She dug in the plastic bag and pulled out what she had purchased at the store. She walked around the perimeter and set up the black candle holders. She took out the lighter she had bought and walked around, picking up each one and lighting the green candle within. Once she was done, she stood in the middle, the Chat Noir themed colored lights blurred from her tears. Now that she was here and no longer moving, she allowed herself to fall apart again. She had wanted to be reminded of him, even after everything he had said to her. He was her soulmate, her other half. He had every right to despise her, but that didn't mean she felt the same way. Her heart still ached at the thought of him no longer loving her. She couldn’t imagine ever being so mad at him that she stopped loving all the little things he did for her, like the way he would pull her close and extend his baton until they were high above the city they fought to protect, trying to make her forget the burden of being heros by punning and trying to make her laugh. He always could, without fail.

Her hysterical laugh was interrupted by a great sob that choked her. She fell to her knees, curling up into herself and allowing herself to fall apart one last time before she gave up fighting. She curled her hands into fists, pounding the concrete over and over again until her hands and knuckles were covered in blood. She didn’t feel the pain of the torn skin, only the pain of losing everything she had cared about. The one person she had ever loved with her entire heart. Because he had always been the same person, Chat and Adrien. She had done nothing but waste _years_ pining after two sides of the same person. If only she could go back and tell her past self not to take Tikki’s words about their identities so seriously, things would be different. Or, she liked to think that they would be different.

Shaking her head, she drug herself over to where she had dropped the bag, pulling out the pills and the bottle of vodka. She hadn’t even thought to ask the man which pills he had given her, or how many she should take. Maybe she was just overthinking, as she was prone to do when stressed out. Even after all these years, she still hadn’t been able to break the habit of letting her thoughts spiral and consume her. It had always caused more harm than good, and yet still she persisted in it. Yet another damning flaw.

She twisted the cap off of the bottle of vodka, wrapping her lips around it and taking a long pull of the bitter liquid. She had never been much of a drinker, only drinking on the rare occasion her and Alya went to a club to see Nino DJ. While Alya loved to take shots and dance the night away while her boyfriend dropped the beats, Marinette never could get truly comfortable enough to let go and have fun. She had started to loosen up the last few occasions they had been out, mostly because Adrien had been invited and she wanted to actually be able to speak to him without stuttering. But she still favored mixed drinks over straight liquor, and so she had a hard time swallowing the vodka as it was. But beggars couldn’t be choosers, and it wasn’t like her alcohol preferences would matter much longer anyways. She only needed it to go numb, to give up and let go. To just stop trying, to just stop fighting.

She closed her eyes as the alcohol started to dull her senses, making the whirlwind of her thoughts finally die down. She took another pull of the alcohol, finding that she didn’t mind the taste as much now. She turned to reach up for the nearest candle glowing above her head. She pulled up her knees as she brought it down to eye level. She balanced it on her knees as she swiped at the flame with her other hand, passing closer and closer to the flame until she finally felt the pain from the flame dancing across her palm. She wondered if she stuck her whole hand into the glittering flame, whether the pain of it would be worse than the pain inside her heart. She would guess that it wouldn’t. She set the candle down next to her and took another draught, rolling the alcohol around on her tongue before swallowing. She finally felt relaxed enough to proceed with her original plan. She fumbled around for the bottle of pills, her blurred vision causing it to be more difficult than necessary to locate the pill container. Her hands shook as she finally managed to pop the top off, causing her to spill the pills out all over the ground. She dumped the pills that remained in the bottle into her palm, not bothering to count them, instead knowing that there were enough there do what she needed them to. She crammed them into her mouth, quickly following them with another gulp of vodka.

She dropped the pill bottle on the ground, letting it roll away. She set the bottle of vodka down next to the wall, no longer interested in it now that she was nearing the end. She picked up the candle again, watching the flame leap and flicker as it danced in the breeze. When she started to feel sleepy, she put it down and laid next to it on her side. She wanted to be able to see his representation until the very end, wanted black and green to be the last thing she saw before she left this existence. She had always been a sucker for sappy romantic gestures.

She scrunched her eyes shut as she felt tiredness pull at them, opening them and trying to focus on the candle again. Sweat dripped in her eyes and the night suddenly felt cool on her sweat soaked skin. She pulled the sleeve of her sweatshirt down and wiped her eyes before wiping her brow. She started to shiver, curling up once more to try to preserve what little body heat she felt like she had. She had thought she would simply go to sleep and not wake up again, but instead… she felt gross. Her body continued to sweat and shiver, and tiredness pulled at her, encouraging her to give up and stop caring.

She continued to stare at the candle, not noticing that her breathing had slowed, caught up as she was in replaying all the moments she had with Chat over the years. From when she had tangled them together the very first day they had become superheros, to when he had declared his love for her not long afterwards, to their recent lovemaking on the Eiffel Tower. She smiled lazily as she lost herself in reliving the moments she felt complete and loved, her eyes slipping shut to picture it. The way his breathing hitched when he touched her without the suit. How complete she felt when he finally entered her, and the ecstasy of his body rocking against hers as he loved her completely for the first and only time. The way her chest hurt when he flung his accusations at her. Her chest hurting as she watched him walk away, too frozen to reach out and stop him. Her chest hurting.

Suddenly she realized that her _chest was hurting._ She felt like she was surfacing from the icy depths of a frozen ocean, shivering violently and clutching at her chest to try and stop the pain. Where she had felt so serene moments before, now she only felt panic pressing into her. Her heart felt like it would beat straight out of her chest, and she couldn’t contain her screams from the pain any longer. There was no way to think around the pain, to _exist_. She couldn’t catch her breath, and her last thought before her eyes rolled up in the back of her head was that she had even managed to fail at peacefully leaving this world. A tear trickled down her clammy cheek, unnoticed as she breathed out one last time. Her chest did not rise again.  
_______________________________________

Adrien stared dully at the wall. He hadn’t moved from his position on the couch since he had gotten home. Plagg had tried to tell him that he was concerned about Tikki, that he couldn’t feel her energy around him anymore, but his holder didn’t show any signs of understanding the implications of the kwami’s words. He was worried about his holder as well, even more than when he was still under his father’s oppressive thumb. Adrien hadn’t cried, hadn’t acted out, hadn’t done _anything_ except the very bare minimum to survive his way through school. He was just about to get in his holders face, make him see reason and stop this pity party he had going, when Adrien’s phone chimed out an akuma alert.

Adrien made no move to turn off the repetitive beeping of his phone, didn’t acknowledge that he had heard it in the first place. He couldn’t go out in the shape he was in. How would he face his teammates? How would he face _Ladybug_? Knowing that he had severed ties with her without stopping to hear her out, how could he even be in the same area as her, let alone work in tandem as her partner? His stoic mask finally cracked at the mental image of Ladybug working to catch the akuma without his help and being hurt in the process. He knew that she couldn’t be in much better shape than he was, so she would be extra distracted this time. And when any of their team members were distracted, it could create fatal errors. Fatal errors that would be his fault.

He finally reached towards his phone and shut the chime off. He turned to Plagg, trying to put on a brave face to give himself the courage to go out and do what needed to be done to save the city, but Plagg wasn’t fooled. He only saw the broken man underneath the front. He zipped over to his holder, stopping in front of Adrien’s face and taking a deep breath.

“Just make it through this fight, Kid. Leave everything else for later. Right now we have a job to do, and nothing needs to get in the way of that. There are people depending on you to show up. Your teammates will be needing your help, you’ve been doing this longer than they have. Pull it together for now. You can fall apart later, after you save the day.”

Adrien only nodded, whispering “Claws out” and taking a shuddering breath. He stood on his balcony and closed his eyes, concentrating on trying to pull himself together enough to be useful in the upcoming fight. He had faked his way through _every single day_ when he was younger, surely he would be able to do the same now. He reached behind him and grabbed his baton, activating the GPS map to figure out where the fight was happening at. A cluster of icons from his teammates were not far off to the left of his location, and he snapped his baton closed before extending it and vaulting towards the distant crashes.

He wasn’t sure what he expected as he swung over to the fight, but whatever it was, it was nothing compared to what his eyes took in after arriving. Sure, Hawk Moth had long ago discarded his strategy of akumatizing children and babies in favor of more dangerous individuals willing to do whatever needed to get the job done and keep their powers, but every now and then he would stumble across a particularly interesting emotional climate that he couldn’t help but manipulate. It made for some very…. Interesting combat with the superheros. This akuma had been teased by his coworkers for accidentally bringing his daughter’s lunch box to work. Chat Noir watched as he zapped a group of people trying to escape down the street, turning them into small plastic ponies and unicorns that were then zapped into an oversized lunch box strapped to his back. Chat was still trying to figure out what his akumatized object could be when Rena Rouge landed next to him on the rooftop he had been observing from.

“Where the fuck have you been? We’ve been dealing with this crazy asshole for almost fifteen minutes, Queenie has already come close to being a pretty pink pony more than once. Where’s Ma- Ladybug? Is she coming?” Rena looked at him expectantly, as if he had the ability to pull Ladybug’s presence out of thin air.

He took a breath and answered her without taking his eyes off the akuma, who was currently trying to break through Carapace’s shield. “I don’t know. I haven’t talked to her since after the last akuma.” He had tried to keep his voice even, but it had cracked at the end of his sentence as his memory yet again pulled up Ladybug’s face screwed up in pleasure as they made love, followed immediately by her crestfallen face as he prepared to leave her forever. He knew that Rena would pick up on the tremor in his voice. Sure enough, his thought was proven right the next moment.

“What happened?” She sounded worried, but he still refused to look her way. He was too cowardly to allow her to see the raw pain that he knew he couldn’t hide once they made eye contact. When he remained silent, she lost her temper. “Dammit Chat, what the hell happened between you and Ladybug? Why isn’t she here yet, and why are you just standing there being useless? _Go and find her!_ We need-” She was in mid sentence when Adrien couldn’t stand listening any longer. He had analyzed the akuma and determined that the object must be the small _My Little Pony_ button that was on the strap of the lunch box. It would be difficult to grab such a small object without the akuma noticing, but he had to try. He wouldn’t wait on Ladybug to show up and save the day. Not today.

“Cover me.” Chat gave his order before bounding off the rooftop and running across the wall before hopping to the next building. Rena barely had time to distract the akuma before Chat was on him, claw reached out to grab the button. Unfortunately, the akuma had turned at the last moment, causing his claws to pass by harmlessly. This also opened Chat up to the akuma’s attack, and he took a knee to the face before the akuma grabbed his foot and swung him around and let him go flying into the opposing building.

The wall crumbled around Chat as he pulled himself out of the crater that the force of his impact had created. He shook his head to clear it before pouncing again. He began to run around the akuma, attacking different points in the hope that the akuma would start getting sloppy and lower his defenses long enough to grab the button. He could hear Rena’s flute sound and then there were copies of him fighting alongside him. Queenie had returned from evacuating the last of the civilians in the area, standing next to Carapace as she watched Chat Noir try to be everywhere at once. She didn’t know what kind of furious energy had surrounded her childhood friend but she knew that it wasn’t normal. Ladybug was still noticeably absent, as well.

After a few more tense minutes of Chat’s distraction tactics, he finally managed to snag the button while the akuma was busy fighting a copy of him that had his baton extended and was swinging it like a sword. He landed on the concrete below the akuma and called up his Cataclysm to destroy the button. Without Ladybug around to purify the akuma, he had no idea what to do about the akuma that flew out. It seemed that Plagg did, however, and he nudged Chat to unclip his bell from his suit. Adrien had no idea that his bell unclipped before that point, but he did as Plagg instructed and threw the bell up at the akuma trying to flutter away. His bell let out a dull ring and turned silver before popping back open to allow the akuma to escape. The akumatized victim returned to normal, but there was nothing he could do about the citizens that had been caught in the attack.

His teammates landed around him as he continued to stare dully down. Queenie sighed and stepped forward to deal with the victim. Carapace and Rena Rouge waited a moment before talking.

“To hell with this, we are talking, and we are talking _now_.” Rena grabbed Chat’s arm and shoved him onto Carapace’s shield. He didn’t fight, just continued to stare out as Carapace raised them into the air and followed Rena as she jumped from rooftop to rooftop. When they had gotten far enough away from the public eye, she landed and stood against a chimney with her arms crossed. Chat missed the look of barely controlled rage on her face as him and Carapace landed, but Carapace didn’t. He shook his head at Rena, but she plowed on regardless. He sighed as she began to grill Chat. “Alright, _spill_. Where the fuck is Ladybug? You two worked the akuma last night together, right? How come she didn’t show up this time and why are you acting like a cat whose owner kicked him out of the house?” She started to pace back and forth as she spoke, nervous energy keeping her from staying still for very long.

Chat Noir just stood there as Rena paced, not bothering to watch her pace back and forth. “I don’t know. I haven’t spoken to her since last night when- when we parted.” His voice wavered at the end of his sentence, and Alya’s eyes narrowed. Unfortunately for Chat, she had noticed.

“I’m not going to ask again, Adrien. I’m done playing games. What happened last night and _where is Marinette?_ ” Carapace’s jaw dropped open at the use of their civilian names, but Chat’s anger had finally boiled over.

“ _What the fuck do you want from me? I’ve told you I don’t know where she is. I left her on the Eiffel Tower crying because I was too much of a dick to control my emotions. I haven’t seen her since, and I don’t have any desire to see her, either! This is all your fault for sticking your nose where it didn’t belong._ ” Chat Noir’s cool demeanor broke, and the floodgates opened. He was so angry. Angry at Marinette for forcing their reveal to go that way. Angry at himself for the way he treated the woman he was supposed to love more than anything else in this world. Angry that Hawk Moth couldn’t give them a break long enough to recuperate so that they wouldn’t be at each other throats. Angry at Alya for pushing him to choose Marinette instead of letting them figure it out on their own. So much anger coursed through him. He dropped to his knees and grabbed his head with both hands, flinging his head back and screaming as loud as he could. Rena and Carapace stood there as their teammate fell apart, looking at each other in shock.

Alya brushed off his comment, knowing that he didn’t mean it. But if something happened between Chat and Ladybug, and then Ladybug was now MIA during an akuma threat…. The implications didn’t sit well with her. Marinette would never put her personal feelings over her duty to Paris. This thought alone made Alya fear the worst. She walked over and put her hand on Chat’s shoulder, crouching down until she was eye level with the distraught man. “Hey, we need to go make sure she’s okay. No matter what, we are still a team. And teammates look out for each other. You don’t have to go if you don’t want to, but I’m going to go by her apartment right now and make sure she’s okay.” She stood up and nodded at Carapace, who placed his hand on Chat’s shoulder briefly before flying off without a word. It was always one of the things she loved most about Nino. He could say so much without ever speaking a word. She prepared to depart herself, but before she could leap off the rooftop, Chat grabbed her arm. He had calmed down, but his face still contorted in pain as he answered her.

“I- I’ll go. It’s my fault that she didn’t show up. I want to make sure she’s okay too.” Alya looked into his eyes, apparently finding whatever it was she was searching for because she gave him a halfhearted smile and turned around.

“Let’s go find a bug, then.” And with that sentiment they were off, swinging across the city bathed in the glow of twilight.

They landed in an alleyway close to Marinette’s apartment building and detransformed. They started walking towards the front door of the apartment building until Adrien realized their kwamis hadn’t moved from where they popped out of the miraculous. Adrien turned around, intent on moving Plagg along quickly so that he could make sure Mari was alright and then escape. The look on Plagg’s face stopped him dead in his tracks. He had never seen the little cat god look so utterly devastated, like there was no more hope in the world. A dark sense of foreboding stole over Adrien as he tugged Alya’s shirt to turn her around. Her concerned gaze flicked from Adrien to Trixx, who was staring at Plagg with a mixture of worry and sadness, before stopping on Plagg’s contorted face. She gasped at the raw pain displayed on the tiny cat’s face. Plagg seemed to curl into himself, slowly losing air and drifting downward. Adrien reached out with his hands cupped to catch him, but Plagg didn’t even seem to notice. He just continued to curl into himself until Adrien couldn’t stand the look of pain.

“Plagg?! What’s wrong? Why- “

“She’s gone.” Plagg’s whisper overrode every rational thought in Adrien’s mind, and he was flying towards the doors a second later.

He pounded up the stairs, too impatient to wait for an elevator to come. He knew he was already too late, but he couldn’t stop until he absolutely knew without a shadow of a doubt. He couldn’t connect the dots in his mind, it had just been one little fight. Sure, he had said some things that he didn’t necessarily mean out of anger, wanting to hurt her as much as possible, but she wouldn’t stop being _Ladybug_ over that, would she? She was a pillar of strength, the rock they all depended on when the world seemed to be slipping through their fingers. She was always there with a gentle smile, ready to listen to their problems and dream up things they could do to celebrate the defeat of Hawk Moth. She was his everything. Had been for longer than he cared to remember now. He knew he had fucked up royally, but he was willing to bet that she would forgive him for it. It was just the kind of person she was.

He stumbled out of the stairwell door, nearly falling flat as he kept making strides towards Marinette’s door. He could hear Alya pounding up the last few steps behind him, but he was too wound up to wait for her. He only stopped once he reached her door. He didn’t know what he would find on the other side. Would it be forgiveness? Would she turn him away and tell him to never speak to her again? His heart pounded and his palms were slick against the door knob. Alya had caught up to him by that point, and she reached out to lay a hand on his shoulder, while the other one knocked on the door. They stood there in tense silence while they listened for any sound of life from within. He glanced back at Alya’s worried face and then his hand was twisting the knob, surprise taking over as he twisted it all the way and slowly opened the door.

They both walked quietly into her empty apartment. Alya closed the door behind her and softly called out, “Mari? Its me and Adrien, girl. Are you here?” Her tone wobbled as she tried to keep it together. She looked at Adrien again before saying, “I’m gonna go check her bedroom and bathroom to see if she’s in there.”

He could only nod as she stepped away from him and started down the hallway toward Mari’s room. In the three months they had been together, he had spent a handful of those times over here, watching anime and bad television while Marinette would work on a new design. Plagg whimpered against his chest, and Adrien placed a hand over the chest pocket in support. There was only one other room Marinette could get so distracted in that she wouldn’t hear her best friends calling her. Adrien walked in the opposite direction of where Alya had disappeared, stopping in front of the mostly closed door to Mari’s craft room. He slowly pushed it open, his heart almost ripping apart when he was faced with yet another empty, lifeless room. He walked in and looked around, looked for any sign that Mari had recently been in there. He trailed his hand over her desk, from the pile of completed sketches to numerous lists of fabrics she needed to complete her designs. He poked his finger on a hidden needle in the middle of a stack of papers and fabric samples, pulling it up and sucking on it. He held his finger in his mouth as he continued to his walkthrough. A mannequin bust sat on the other side of the long desk, a pretty purple scarf that looked finished adorning it. He closed his eyes, trying to feel her warmth in the emptiness of the room. He slowly rotated until he felt an almost nonexistent tug. He opened his eyes and took in where the nudge was coming from. His eye caught her sewing machine, taking in how it looked like it hadn’t been used lately. She spent nearly every moment of her free time in front of it, whether it was to use it or take care of it. It had always brought a warmth to his heart as he would watch her. She took care of her sewing machine like it was another living being counting on her for care. He had always been amazed at the way she created beautiful things out of scraps of ordinary fabric. He started towards it, feeling dread wash through him like a powerful wave. He knew he was about to find something that was going to change his life forever, but he didn’t know how he knew it either.

He approached the sewing machine to find it just as lifeless as everything else. Mari’s hands hadn’t been on it either, just as he suspected. He looked next to it, noticing a beautiful scarf had been arranged in a coiling spiral of royal blue yarn. He picked up an end of it, noticing the intricate design of ladybugs trailing up neon green vining embroidered along the edge. He swallowed hard, knowing without a shadow of a doubt that this had been meant for him. He hadn’t made it a secret how much he had always admired Ladybug, and he could see Marinette picking up on his devotion and crafting something to honor that. The irony of it sliced through him like a knife. His eyes blurred with unshed tears, and he dropped the scarf. The end trailed off the desk, and he caught sight of the corner of some maroon colored fabric tucked into the scarf. Curiosity got the better of him and he pulled on the corner until the scarf fell away to reveal a large swatch of fabric covered in writing. He dropped the fabric as if it had burned him once he caught sight of the name at the top. He dropped to his knees and started to hyperventilate, unable to draw a full breath as the truth of what happened slammed into him. He crushed the fabric to him, trying like hell to lift the truth of where she was straight out of it. He sobbed as he smoothed it out on the floor in front of him. Knowing that he wouldn’t, _couldn’t_ , be okay by the end of reading the words written on it.

His eyes read through the note once, twice, thrice. His brain felt frozen, like he wasn’t absorbing the words written on it so he’d have to start over again. Great shuddering sobs got stuck in his throat, the pain of losing her unlike anything he had ever experienced before. Not even when he lost his mother growing up, or when his father shut himself away from him. Nothing compared to the gaping hole that had been ripped through his chest at the sight of Marinette’s goodbye letter to him. It was all his fault. She had done something terrible _because of him_. He punched the floor, unable to continue sitting still any longer. He had to find her before she made this terrible mistake, before she ended her life because he was an emotionally broken person. He hadn’t thought about the weight of secrecy burdened her shoulders. He hadn’t thought that maybe she was hurting every bit as much as he was, maybe even more so because everyone looked to her to be strong all the time. He hadn’t even considered that he had broken his word from when they were kids _‘no matter who is behind that mask, I love that girl’_. Each truth slammed into him and took his breath away until he was lightheaded and dizzy. He tried to stand up, wanting to run and escape the responsibility of his actions, but he crashed into the doorframe before sliding back to the floor again.

Alya ran in, frantic that someone was still in the apartment besides them. Instead, she found Adrien on the floor crying and gasping; his hands in his hair, pulling on the strands so hard she was afraid he would pull them right out. She stooped down to help him up, and that’s when she heard what he was mumbling. _“She’s dead. She’s dead. My fault. My fault.”_ Alya’s heart nearly stopped as she figured out what he was saying, and she pried his hands away from the fabric piece he was clutching to his chest. Her eyes skimmed the note, each line hitting home until she slid to the floor next to Adrien. She was shocked that things had gotten so far out of hand. She wanted to fall to pieces, wanted to scream at how unfair this all was. But the man next to her was going to help find Mari before it was too late. She needed to keep him focused so that he wouldn’t do something drastic.

“Adrien. _Adrien._ There’s still a chance she’s alive. Look at this.” He stared blankly at her, and she was terrified for him. Looking into his eyes was like looking into a window of a house that had burned down while the occupants were asleep. The life and soul had been sucked out of the man in front of her, and she wasn’t prepared to handle Mari’s death, let alone Adrien’s. She had no doubt in her mind that he wouldn’t be far behind her. She needed a diversion, and _fast._ She held out the empty pill bottle to him. He took it and looked at the empty bottle.

“If she took pills, why isn’t she here?” Despite himself, his mind was rejecting the idea that she was gone, and so his mind started working a hundred miles a minute trying to figure out where she could possibly be.

“Because there weren’t any pills in this bottle. She mentioned to me one day that this man had offered her pills for saving him from an akuma attack. He had wrote his address and stuck the paper in this bottle. She was scared that the man might know more than he should and try to blackmail her. A few months passed and nothing happened so she dropped it. But this bottle is empty, meaning _she went to the man’s address to get pills._ That means there's a chance she hasn’t had an opportunity to take them yet! She never told me the address, but she said that it was somewhere in the southwest part of Paris, in an older neighborhood that had turned into an bad area. I’ll call Nino and Chloe, we can-”

“No.” Adrien’s voice was quiet as he cut into her rambling plan. Her mouth hung open for a second before she pulled herself together.

_“No?_ I’m sorry but you don’t have the right to-!” He looked up at her, and she finally saw life behind his green eyed gaze. He smiled serenely at her as he placed both hands on her shoulders.

“I know you’ve got the best intentions, and that you’re just trying to find the right words to say. Don’t look at me like that, like you understand. You don’t know what it’s like, knowing you’re the cause of another person's demise. I don’t want your good advice, or reasons why it’ll be alright. I’m so over all this bad luck, promise I’ve already learned my lesson. Right now, I wanna be not okay. I wanna just let go. If this isn’t good for me, I don’t want to know. Let me stop fighting. Stop fighting to prove to myself that she loves me. This is my fault! We had sex and then I _left her crying because she was Ladybug._ Don’t look at me like that. I’m living out of time, always running out of time. She was the ONLY ONE. The only one that even kinda came close _and I turned my back on her._ So, you stay here in case she comes back. You can be on call if I find her. You’ll _stay out of my way._ She is _my_ Lady, and I will find her and fix this or die trying.” He stood up, pulling a stunned Alya with him. “What else did you find?”

She stared at him mutely for a minute before snapping out of her dazed thoughts to answer him. “She took her ID, debit card, the address and probably cash to buy the pills.” Her investigative reporter skills took over and suddenly she was rattling off every helpful detail she could think of. “If she took her debit card, that means she probably intended to stop by ATM to make sure she had enough money. If I know Mari, she’ll head for high ground and anywhere special to her. Since Plagg no longer feels Tikki, I think it’s safe to assume that she has removed her earrings and renounced Tikki. So she wouldn’t be at the Tower because she can’t climb that high. Give me a second and I’ll have the most likely ATM she visited.” She turned around sharply and headed for Marinette’s laptop, flipping it open and opening the browser once it had loaded. Adrien went to her kitchen and raided all the cheese he could find for Plagg, ordering him to eat as much of it as he could so that he would be charged up and ready to go. Plagg refused at first, still distraught over Tikki.

“I WON’T LOSE HER TOO, PLAGG. EAT THE DAMN CHEESE OR I WILL BLAME YOU FOR HER DEATH FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.” Adrien screamed at his kwami for the first time ever. Though Plagg was a difficult person to live with on a daily basis, he had never raised his voice at him, let alone yelled at him. Plagg could see the desperation in his holders eyes, and so he put his head down and started eating. Adrien turned to see Alya staring at him. “Well?”

She spun the laptop around to show him the screen. She had pulled up a map of the nearest ATMs and started babbling. “Uh- so this is a map. Right. Um.” She couldn’t seem to get words out of her throat, terrified of Adrien at that moment like never before. He was dangerously close to snapping totally, and she didn’t want to know the kind of damage he was capable of.

He didn’t seem to notice her stuttering, studying the map intently for a moment. “You said that the man lived in the southwest part of Paris, correct?” He looked up expectantly, and when she nodded, he went back to looking at the screen. “Mari would want to put me off her trail if she was thinking straight. I would bet, the ATM she visited is….. This one,” he pointed at a spot on the map and looked back at Alya. “Can you call ahead and have the bank be ready with the surveillance footage for the past three hours for this ATM? I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.” He stood back up and walked over to the kitchen. Alya had never seen him so determined, so absolutely focused on the matter at hand. There was no joking, no puns, and no comradie. He was a man on a mission that could be a matter of life or death. It was that thought that made everything finally click in her mind. Marinette was in very real danger of hurting herself or worse, and he needed Alya to focus enough to help him save her.

“I’ll let them know. I’ll stay transformed until I hear from you.” She stood up and called Trixx to her, transforming into Rena Rouge. She watched as Adrien became Chat Noir, approaching cautiously in case he was going to lash out again. He remained still, watching her come closer with anxious eyes. He wanted to be out there finding Mari, not standing here getting another pep talk. She placed her hand on his arm and said, “Bring her back to us.” And then he was out the door.

He vaulted through the air in the direction of the bank, his thoughts mercifully blank as he concentrated on his route. It was fully dark now, they had wasted so much time in the apartment that it made him nauseous. He hoped that Alya was able to get someone from the bank there, since it was now closed. He didn’t have any more time to waste waiting around for people to come up with the answers he needed. He arrived at the front doors of the bank exactly fifteen minutes after he left Marinette’s apartment, and he was beyond relieved to see the bank security guard unlocking the front door for him. He ushered him inside and locked the door once again before leading Chat back through the darkened rooms to a small security office. He gestured to a computer that already had the footage loaded and ready to be reviewed. Chat couldn’t remember whether or not they exchanged any words, the roaring in his ears drowning out everything besides the desire to find Marinette. He tapped the keyboard, setting the frame rate faster so that he could get through it quicker. About midway through Marinette finally made her appearance. She looked distraught, her face was terribly puffy and the look in her bluebell eyes caused his heart to sink inside his chest. It was the look of a person that has given up on living. Once she was done withdrawing a stack of cash that was carefully folded into her coin purse, she stared at the camera for another moment. Chat couldn’t help but think that she knew, _she knew,_ that he would be staring at her image on the screen. He watched her lips barely move, squinting at the screen before replaying it again. It seemed she had mouthed, _goodbye Adrien, I love you_. He smiled. She had left a message for him, had stalled for a moment to spend just one more second telling him how much she cared. He knew he didn’t have a chance of catching her on the way to the man’s house, so he closed his eyes and started to think. The hum of the computer, the shuffling of the security person, everything faded into the background as Adrien concentrated.

Alya’s words and his own experiences with her floated around in his mind as he thought of places she could’ve gone to spend her final moments.

_She has removed her earrings and renounced Tikki._

So she wouldn’t be at where we meet for patrols...

_So she wouldn’t be at the Tower because she can’t climb that high._

So she wouldn’t visit the spot where we finally made love and she revealed her identity...

_She left me a message on the video at the ATM, that has to mean something._

Maybe she went to the University, where I finally asked her out in that corner...

His eyes snapped open and he was off once again, throwing a thank you over his shoulder to the bewildered security person. He hoped he wasn’t wrong, because each second he didn’t find her was one less second she was likely still alive. He had to concentrate on not falling off his baton as he vaulted cross the city towards their school, he was in such a hurry to get there. He took a deep breath as he landed on the wall of the courtyard at the University. _Please be here, Bugaboo. Please be okay._ He didn’t feel her presence anywhere around, but he had to be thorough just in case she was already fading away. He ran down the wall until he was at the corner where they had talked that day he had decided to heed Alya’s words. He jumped down and scanned the tree lined area. His shoulders slumped. Nothing. He had been wrong. _Think, dammit! There has to be somewhere I’m not thinking about that she would go to!_ Adrien struggled to hold on to his logic, the panic was trying to choke it out and send him over the edge. _Maybe I didn’t think far enough back. What about further back? Lycee? She used to always be in the park next to the school, sketching and daydreaming. Maybe she wanted to go back once more for old times sake._ He thought it was a long shot, but he couldn’t afford to not try every single idea that popped into his head. And so he swung away towards their old school. He was starting to get desperate, grasping at any straw his overactive imagination could come up with. He knew as soon as he landed in the park that she wasn’t there either. He slammed his fist into the tree he had landed next to, red hot pain lancing through his heart at the thought that he had wasted too much time. He crumpled to the ground, gasping out uneven breaths as his panic finally got the better of him. _Oh god, I’ve wasted too much time. I didn’t know her as well as I thought I did obviously. I’m gonna have to tell her parents that I’m the reason she’s dead…_ Hot tears blurred his eyesight as he held his arm across his chest. _I can’t face them. I can’t do it. I’m not strong enough. Better they think that she’s missing than dead because the black cat that used to visit her on her balcony killed her._ He sniffed as he looked in the direction of her parent’s bakery. If he couldn’t find her, he would visit her balcony one more time. Maybe he could convince her spirit to forgive him before it left this world. He was being selfish and he knew it, but he couldn’t think of any other way to stop the crushing guilt. He could’ve jumped onto the rooftops and ran to her balcony, but he wanted to spend the time walking the same route she went home each day after lycee.

Only when he approached the windows of her parents bakery did he pull out his baton and extend it upwards to reach her balcony. Her parents had left everything the same. Her string of lights weren’t turned on, but the chairs were still there, her planters, everything was exactly as he remembered it. He closed his eyes and remembered the first time he had visited her as Chat. He had been planning a fruitless date for Ladybug, so caught up in his romantic feelings that he had ignored her when she tried to tell him that she might not show up. He had set everything up only to spend the evening alone. Marinette just happened to be out on her balcony, staring at the stars wrapped up in her own thoughts. They had commiserated together about love. _Well, actually it was more like she listened to me whine about how Ladybug didn’t love me._ He opened his eyes, glancing in the direction of the place in question. His heart froze in his chest.

_He had brought her there._

_He had started visiting her as Chat right after that._

What was that…. Fire? No, it was like the area was glowing.

_Like dozens of candles flickered in the moonlight._

And then he was flying. It only took him a few short moments to vault over towards the flickering light, and as he barreled towards it he saw that his guess was correct. A dozen or more candles were lined up along the perimeter, just as he had done for Ladybug. Only, instead of the candles being in red for Ladybug, they were in Chat Noir’s colors. This detail slapped him across the face as he landed next to a crumpled body, but it was a small action compared to how his body reacted when his brain finally recognized the crumpled body as Marinette’s.

He could no longer pull air into his lungs. Every nerve ending was on fire as he took in the big bottle of vodka that had been knocked over and was soaking Marinette’s legs in fluid as it crept across the concrete. He couldn’t even call up tears as he saw the mess of pills surrounding her head. All the breath left his body in one big whoosh as he dropped down next to her. He noted distantly that her hands were covered in blood. His eyesight phased in and out as he picked up her body and rocked her against him. He buried his face in her neck as he continued to rock back and forth, the shock of seeing her lifeless body too much for his brain to handle. His eyes rolled into the back of his head, and he could feel himself losing consciousness as his brain registered one last thing. One small detail, the only detail that could, pulled him back from the abyss.

_She was still shaking._

 

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Quantum Chickpea for the amazing fanart to accompany this heavy chapter! Check out her fics, she's an amazing writer as well!
> 
> Songs I Wrote To For This Chapter:  
> Hold Me Tight, Or Don't - Fall Out Boy (obviously)  
> Last of the Real Ones - FOB  
> Champion - FOB  
> Just One Yesterday - FOB  
> Bishop's Knife Trick - FOB  
> I Don't Care - FOB  
> Church - FOB  
> You Don't Know - Katelyn Tarver  
> Thankful - Anthony Greninger
> 
> Those last two really influenced the direction of this chapter. I hope you're all still with me after this, things will improve, I promise. There's also a deeply embedded Harry Potter reference in here, can you spot it?


	5. Note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Check this out!!

Hey everyone,

Thank you all _so_ much for all the responses to the previous chapter. I just wanted to let you all know that it actually inspired a great friend of mine to draw some fanart to go along with it! I've added it back to the end of the chapter, so I want to encourage you all to go check it out!

Shameless plug: Quantum Chickpea does amazing artwork to accompany most of her fics, and she's a damn good writer as well. She's a coauthor with me on Secrets Between Us, and wrote one of my favorite MLB fics of all time: Le Noir Tattoo. She actually also drew my icon XD. Show her some love if you get a moment! I wouldn't promote her if she wasn't absolutely excellent at what we love here in the MLB fandom.

I'll delete this note whenever I upload Chapter 5, I just wanted to make everyone aware :)

You all are amazing, see you next chapter!!!!


	6. No Longer Comatose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Marinette's attempted suicide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not even going to lie. I am hella proud of this chapter. It is very heavy, so it's shorter than my normal chapters. There is a lot going on between Marinette and Adrien in this chapter, even if they never leave the hospital room. I'm going to post my playlist for this chapter in the end notes, and I want to really encourage all of you to listen to these songs as you read. They were my muse for this chapter, screaming at me and _begging_ to be written. A good portion of what Adrien and Marinette say in their apologies is a conglomeration of song lyrics from all those songs. I think they came out pretty damn perfect, if I do say so myself (I _so_ do). The other parts are entirely from the hearts of these two hopeless romantics. I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I did.
> 
> This is dedicated to jackiebp, who was so sweet in her comment about when this update was happening. Girl, I appreciate that more than you know, and it motivated me to get myself in gear.

“Why can’t I leave?”

Marinette was frustrated beyond all belief. It had been _two weeks_. Two weeks of sitting in the hospital when there was absolutely nothing wrong with her. Sure, she was technically dead when Adrikitty had arrived with her. Yeah, it had taken almost three days after her surgery to pump her stomach and fix the damage to her lungs before she woke up to find she was still alive. It had taken her a week before she had the strength to get out of bed on her own. But each day she was improving, and anyway she’d much rather get better at home. It was ridiculous to keep staying here when she was paying for a perfectly good apartment she could eat and sleep in. She didn’t have any of her IV’s still attached to her, and besides her doctor coming in once a day to check on her, she didn’t even need any of the medical staff. Why did she need to keep wasting time being here as if visiting a dorm again, because that’s basically all this room had amounted to the last week.

“Because, My Lady, your body is still recovering.” The man sitting next to her bed, that had been reading up until her outburst, heaved a sigh. “Plus… The mental trauma still remains. They more than likely want to make sure that you won’t attempt…… again.” He couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud. Say the word that almost took his partner away from him. The word that referred to the time he almost lost her. His mind started to wander back to that night, to holding her lifeless body in his arms. Plagg was sitting on a mountain of camembert now because he had spoke into Adrien’s mind, telling him what he needed to do and what the next steps in taking care of her needed to be. If he hadn’t stepped up, Adrien wasn’t sure he would’ve been functional enough to save her in time.

Marinette watched as his entire body slumped. His shoulders drooped and his hands were shaking around the book that was closed on his lap. His face was hidden behind his hair, his head was tilted downward, and she would bet that he was reliving the evening of her attempted suicide all over again. She didn’t want to have to keep coming back to the lowest point of her life, or reliving it over and over again. She just wanted to forget about it and go back to normal. That wasn’t so much to ask, was it? Everyone wanted to talk to her about it, to know why she did what she did and why she chose to react that way. A lot of it she couldn’t tell because it involved her superhero counterpart and duties, so conversations were uncomfortable and difficult to get through because they all wanted answers she couldn’t give. She was tired of being defined by it. She was tired. She just wanted to escape, to break out and not have to deal with the accusatory looks and judgemental faces.

She knew this was tearing Adrien apart, but she didn’t know how to help him. She hadn’t known how to help herself, let alone expected to be able to comfort anyone else. _Why should I? Why should I be there for him, when he turned his back on me? This never would’ve happened if he hadn’t treated me like garbage after having sex with me, if he hadn’t treated me lower than dirt once he found out it was just me behind the mask._ Her heart hurt as she thought back to that time, and so she said something to stop the memories from crushing her. “I wish it never would’ve happened.”

His head snapped up, his eyes narrowed as he took in her determined gaze. “Wished _what_ never would’ve happened?” If she was referring to her attempted suicide, then he absolutely agreed. But he had a feeling that she wasn’t referring to that at all. It was like a lightning bolt through his heart, knowing that she regretted them being together. That she regretted sharing her secret with him because he couldn’t control his temper. He knew that all of this was his fault, but he couldn’t help but think Marinette could be a little more sympathetic to his reactions. _We really are fucked up,_ he thought to himself.

“I wish I never would’ve given in to my heart. It led me astray. My optimism and hope blinded me to the reality of life. I should’ve never thought everything would be okay once I revealed myself to you. It only proved that I was right in keeping my identity a secret.” Her voice faltered, dropping to a whisper. “It proves that I should’ve never been Ladybug.” She pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, trying to curl into herself. She just wanted the pain to stop. She couldn’t see how to help Adrien with his wallowing when she couldn’t deal with her own problems.

“....I disagree.” Adrien wanted to wait. He wanted to wait until he could take her home before they discussed what happened between them. He didn’t want to fall to pieces in a hospital, he didn’t want her to feel attacked while surrounded by people monitoring her sanity levels. But if she really wanted to do it now, really wanted to start discussing their issues, far be it for him to deny her. He stood, but made no other attempt to get closer to her.

They were still glaring at each other in silence a moment later when her doctor walked in. He took in the tense atmosphere, but didn’t comment on it. Besides, he was the bringer of good news for once. Maybe that would help. “Mlle Dupain-Cheng? I’ve got some good news for you if you’d like to hear it.” He watched as her expression fell just a bit before she looked away from the young man. When her eyes met the doctors, he saw the same determined gaze he had seen every time he’d come in to see her over the past two weeks. She nodded at him, her lips pressed into a thin line like she was waiting for sentencing for a crime she didn’t commit. “You should be able to go home tomorrow, if you’d like.” Her mouth fell open in disbelief. Her nod was a bit more enthusiastic this time around. “Excellent. I will make sure all your paperwork is in order for you to be discharged first thing in the morning. However, if we discharge you, you must agree to see a therapist. I’m recommending twice a week initially, but once you meet with them, they will be able to determine the frequency needed. Do you agree?”

Marinette hesitated. Therapy would be pointless. She couldn’t explain what happened. It wouldn’t help. If she agreed, she would follow through. But should she really subject herself to that torture? Unloading her worries and concerns onto a complete stranger that will never know how difficult her life truly was because of her superhero duties? Would she even go back to being Ladybug? Too many questions without answers swirled around in her mind, and she began to panic. Her breathing picked up and she started rocking back and forth, holding her arms around her knees again. She dropped her eyes, ashamed at the way she was reacting. She was _Ladybug_ , she was supposed to be steadfast and unyielding. Taking every curveball thrown at her with ease. But she _wasn’t_ Ladybug, and this wasn’t some akuma she was fighting. This was her life, or what remained of it. She should agree. She should say yes and be done. Be free to go home.

“Excuse me, doctor?” Adrien walked forward and placed himself between the doctor and Marinette, blocking her from his gaze under the guise of wanting to shake his hand in greeting. They might not be in the best place right now, but she was still his partner and the love of his life. He couldn’t just watch as she fought to keep it together when she obviously needed a moment to get back under control.

The doctor was surprised at the young man piping up, freezing a moment before reaching forward to shake his outstretched hand. Usually the young man remained silent during his visits with Marinette, so it was odd that he was speaking up now. “Yes?”

“If Marinette agrees, and I personally promise to make sure she spends tomorrow setting up her first therapy appointment, is there any way I can take her home now? If she wants to, of course.” Adrien put on his model smile, using his charm for all he was worth. If he could do this small thing for Marinette, help her escape her prison a little quicker…

“I… don’t see why not. Usually patients leaving are discharged in the morning for paperwork purposes, but I’m sure I can swing it if that is what Mlle Dupain-Cheng wants. But, and I hope you’ll forgive me for saying this, I’ll have to hear it from her mouth if that is what she wishes.”

Adrien kept his smile pasted to his face and nodded amicably. He hoped that Marinette had taken the time to pull herself together, because he couldn’t shield her from the doctor’s questioning gaze any longer. He turned, still blocking the doctor’s view of her, and looked into her eyes. Her lips were parted, surprise painted on her face as she stared at him with tears in her eyes. _You ready?_ He mouthed to her. Her mouth closed and her features smoothed out. She sent Adrien a small smile that he clung on to like a lifeline, hoping that it was genuine. She nodded to him, hesitating a moment before reaching out a trembling hand towards him. Adrien nearly fell over himself walking over to her as quickly as possible to grasp her hand before she changed her mind. As soon as they touched, the stiff set of her shoulder relaxed. He took this as a positive sign. He tried to not, really he did, but he couldn’t stop himself from leaning forward and bringing her knuckles up to his lips. He barely brushed his lips against her hand, but she still shuddered. He wondered if he had messed up, if she was going to pull her hand back for overstepping his boundaries, but his heart soared as her smile became bigger and she rolled her eyes. He dropped his model smile in favor of a true grin before stepping to the side. Keeping her hand firmly in his to make sure she knew that he would support whatever decision she made.

“I want to go home. If it is acceptable to you, I would like to do as Adrien suggests. I agree to spend tomorrow finding a psychiatrist and setting up my appointment.” Her eyes shook but she looked at the doctor, no hesitation to be found. The strength that was flowing through her wasn’t fake, and she had a good presumption that it was tied to the blonde model holding her hand. She could see the doctor’s eyes flick to their joined hands, but thankfully he didn’t comment on it.

“You have yourself a deal, Marinette. Give me an hour to get all the paperwork in order and you’ll be breathing in fresh air.” He walked forward and shook Marinette’s other hand, as neither young adult was willing to release their hold. He nodded at Adrien and left them to go get her accounts settled.

Once her door closed, an awkward silence descended upon the room. Marinette looked away from Adrien, unsure what to say now that it was just the two of them. She didn’t want to pull her hand away just yet, but she didn’t want Adrien to continue holding her if he didn’t want to. She didn’t know if he was just helping to put on a strong front so that she could get out of the hospital. She turned her head enough to inconspicuously look at him out of the corner of her eye. He was gazing at their connected hands, obviously battling himself over something. She decided to help him out, or what she thought might be helping him out, and started to loosen her grip on his hand so that he could pull away. She was caught off guard at the intense pressure on her hand as he gripped it harder. Surprised, she turned to look at him.

He started to feel her pull away, and suddenly the dam burst. He didn’t want her to ever pull away from him again. He gripped her hand relentlessly, tightening his hold on it as if to convey how tightly he wished he could hold _her_. He looked up at her when she turned to look at him, surprise written across her face. He closed the distance between them, but instead of embracing her, he dropped to his knees. On the floor in front of her bed, he looked up at her. His throat tightened, but he swallowed past the lump so that he could get out what he needed to say. He reached for her other hand, taking it with no resistance. She looked wary, as if she didn’t know what was going to come of this, or maybe she just didn’t know how to tell him she didn’t want to hear it. But he couldn’t hold back anymore. Days and days of being at the hospital, watching her body recover but her not get better, had shown him exactly how deeply he had messed up. He didn’t want to pressure her, but he couldn’t keep his feelings in check any longer. Not if there was a chance. Maybe he was foolish to hope, but he never claimed to be otherwise. He looked up at her, keeping her gaze as his eyes blurred with tears.

“Marinette… I- I….” he choked, tears spilling over. He cleared his throat and tried again. “I know this isn’t the best time. I know you don’t want to hear this, or deal with me. I know that I’m being foolish, that there is probably no chance. But… I’m here to give you all of my love. However you take it. If you don’t want it, then I will not speak of it again. If you want me to go and never come back, I- I…” He couldn’t stop a few sobs from escaping, but he took a shuddering breath and forced himself to continue. “I’ll do it. For you. I know I’m the one you want to forget. I’m sure you hate me. I’m sure I’m saying this all wrong, but… Sometimes before it gets better, the darkness gets bigger, and the person that you’d take a bullet for is behind the trigger. I know you felt like that the- that night. That I betrayed you.I don’t deny that it was all my fault. That was my pity party, and you were in the crossfire when I couldn’t handle it anymore. I was in the wrong to take it out on you. I took too many hits off our memories, and I needed to go numb. Instead, I exploded and I’ve regretted it every single moment since. I want to do whatever I can to make it up to you, for forcing you to do what you did to cope with what I did to you. I will sing to you every day, if i it will take away the pain. I will do whatever it takes. I promise, these are the last blues we’re ever gonna have. I want to make your life better, not worse. I want to be your partner and your lover and… and I’m sorry I’m pressuring you. But I’m tired of lying, I’m tired of all the lies. I just want you to know…” He stopped for a moment.

When he started again, his voice was stronger, pleading. “If you were church, I’d get on my knees. Confess my love, I’d know where to be. My sanctuary, you’re holy to me. _I’m yours, till the earth starts to crumble and the heavens roll way._ I want to help you sift through the sand, help you find the pieces of our hourglass. If you want to push me away, Bugaboo, I won’t stop you. I will never pressure you to do another thing you don’t want to. But I will _never_ stop loving you.” He closed his eyes and dropped his face down to their joined hands. He couldn’t stand to see the look on her face as she steeled herself to push him away, to let him go for the last time. He couldn’t stand to see the anger at his selfishness, bringing this up when she was about to be released to all the stresses of her life again. The silence stretched out for a long time, but still he didn’t move and she didn’t speak.

“The best of us can find happiness in misery, Chaton. I don’t care what you think, as long as it’s about me. I don’t really care which side wins. I’m the leading man, and the lies I weave are oh so intricate. I’ve been doing it for years, and I don’t want to do it anymore. I wrote the gospel on giving up. I’m not good for you. I’m broken and wrong and I think way too much. I destroy everything I touch. I’m nothing. My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating. But I don’t want to go another second without you.” She managed to choke out a laugh. “I couldn’t even last a night without you, Adrien. A few hours, even. I fell completely apart as soon as your light left me. You are the sun and I am just the planets. You were too good to be true, gold plated. But, what’s inside you? This is gospel for me. This is the beat of my heart. I don’t want to say if you love me, let me go. I’m not strong enough. I don’t ever want to need that kind of strength. The world, ourselves, Paris; they haven’t seen the best of us yet. The words that night were knives enough to leave scars. Every words a new regret, if you say it right. But every wound can be forgotten in the right light.” She stopped and took a deep breath. The next words she was going to say were going to be hard, but she wanted to persevere for him. He gave her strength, and she wanted to use it to give back. 

“I was hiding from myself. Depression is a little like happy hour, it’s always gotta be happening somewhere on any given night. That night was my night. You gotta keep on keeping on. Even with the feeling that you’re gonna keep losing. You’ve got to come back strong. I had a little bit of bad luck. I was almost lost, but don’t bury me alive because I won’t give up without a fight. I don’t care if heaven won’t take me back. I’ll throw away my faith, Adrien, just to keep you safe. Sometimes to win, you’ve got to sin. I want to show them. They say I’m a dreamer, don’t mean I’m not a believer. I believe in us. I’ve _always_ believed in us. I just got in my own way and confused myself.” 

She leaned forward, and put her hand gently under his chin to tilt his head up to look at her. Her gaze was soft as she was filled with hope that she could show the man at her feet exactly how she felt. “They might try to tell you how to live your life, but don’t forget it’s your right to do whatever you like. I realize that now. I lost myself under the weight of the burdens I bear. I forgot everything I was fighting for. There’s nothing more cruel than to be loved by everybody, to be looked at as someone who can do no wrong, and hold yourself to that standard. But you. I forgot about you, when I was feeling so alone. I forgot that I had a partner I could count on. A partner that I had loved for years. Friends that keep me at the top, so I don’t see the low. Life isn’t what it always what you’d think it’d be. Turn your head for one second and the tables turn. I know that I did you wrong. But will you trust me when I say that I’ll make it up to you somehow? I can start by giving you my life. My choice. I choose you. Chaton, Adrien, my Kitty. Every part of this crazy Love Square we’ve had going for so long without realizing it. Sometimes I think our lives have been like a play. Tragedy, misunderstandings, fighting for what’s right; we’ve had to battle it all side by side. We’ve got to keep on keeping on. But, I don’t want to hold you back. I’m walking down the line, that divides me somewhere in my mind. If you want to go alone from here on out, I will step back. But I want you to promise me something. You can be your own spotlight. You can be the star, you can shine so bright. Cause they’re gonna tell us all the rules to break to take away that light. But if there’s a chance, I’ll battle to stay by your side. If love’s a fight, than I shall die with my heart on a trigger. They say before you start a war, you better know what you’re fighting for. Well Kitty, you are all that I adore, if love is what you need, a soldier I will be. Don’t you know you’re everything I have? And I wanna live, not just survive, tonight. For every day and night after this. I’m not gonna hide my wings tonight. Tomorrow is the dawning of the rest of our lives.”

She didn’t contain the hope shining from her face. The mess she made wasn’t fixed, it didn’t magically disappear with a few pretty words on either of their parts. It would take time to heal, to fix the broken things in their lives. But she saw now what she did was wrong. She saw how much it hurt the broken man in front of her. And she would have to shoulder that responsibility. She wouldn’t run away from this. She was done running. She saw the hope that they had, if they started over again, and it filled her with so much strength she felt like she did when she was Ladybug. 

But she didn’t know about the man in front of her. What would he decide? Did he turn to stone while she was speaking, because he hasn’t moved for awhile now?! She climbed down from the bed. He still didn’t move. It was a squeeze, but she put herself between him and the bed. She settled down with her legs tucked underneath her, her hands clenched on her knees. She tried to read his expression, but it was like the light had gone out in his eyes. His face was pale, his eyes staring at the spot that she had just vacated. She started to panic. “Adrien?! Are you okay?? Did I break you?! Oh god, I did! I’m _so_ sorry! Please, say something!” Her hands fluttered around him, not sure what to do or what was okay. He hadn’t accepted anything she had said. Maybe he wasn’t ready yet. Maybe she was pressuring him and burdening him with all these responsibilities that he didn’t want. Her hands dropped back to her knees, clenched once again, and she stared at the ground. Tears filled her eyes as she whispered, hoping against hope that he heard what she said. _“I’m sorry.”_

He moved. He felt like he was waking up from a coma, from where he heard the world around him but couldn’t react. He looked down at the woman who had her head down, down because she thought he was rejecting her. Even though that was the furthest thing from the truth. And just like that, the spell broke. He fell forward, startling Marinette. His hands fumbled for a minute before finding her face and cupping it. He snapped her head up, the fire inside of him raging. He couldn’t contain it any longer. He surged forwards and crushed his lips to hers. He couldn’t form the words to tell her what was raging inside of him, so his mind skipped trying to speak entirely and went straight to action mode. He felt her freeze underneath him, but he didn't stop. He kept his lips against her, pressing chaste kisses at the corner of her mouth, her nose, her eyelids which leaked tears. His heart pounded in his ears, but he didn’t pull away. Not this time.

And then his heart was soaring as she responded. She moved her face until she could capture his lips again. She could feel the desperation in him, in herself. She knew these aren't sweet kisses that promised everything would be alright. These were kisses that spoke of brokenness, and of rising from the ashes of that brokenness. He thrust his tongue into her mouth, seeking hers out with fervor. She couldn’t help the moan that reverberated from somewhere deep in her. Her hands gripped his hair hard enough to pull, keeping him as close to her as possible. Their teeth clashed as they tried to devour each other, but still they stayed. She hoped it would be like this forever.

His heart sang as she fought back. He always knew his Lady had a heart of steel. He never doubted her. He wanted to hold her, and so he did. He brought her close, so close every part of their bodies were touching from their faces down to their knees. A rumbling began in his chest, something that had never happened before. He realized he was purring, ecstatic that his Lady had returned to him. He wanted to scoop her up and take her away, to prove how much he loved her somewhere private and not full of memories. He didn’t want to wait any longer to prove to her that he never wanted to let her go. The spotlight was dull without her standing there with him. But he couldn’t. He broke away gasping. They were still in a hospital room, with reminders of what happened all around them. He pressed his forehead to hers, still reluctant to pull away. Reluctant to let this moment end, where they were more in sync than they had been for years. His hands still cupped her face, their breaths mingling as they panted. He brushed his nose against hers. He memorized everything about her, the tears clinging to her eyelashes, her red nose, her kiss swollen pink lips. He brought his thumbs up to brush away the last of her tears. “I love you so much, Marinette Dupain-Cheng. When you’re ready, when you feel comfortable, I want to marry you. I’ll wait until the end of time if that’s what it takes, but I want to be yours and I want you to be mine. All of you and all of me. Two halves of the same whole.”

Marinette’s eyes shined as she smiled brilliantly. “I would love that, Adrien.”

A throat cleared, bursting the bubble they had been in since the doctor left. Adrien flopped down next to Marinette on the floor, still shoulder to shoulder to maintain as much contact with her as possible. They both stared up at the doctor, who was looking down on them with more than a little amusement in his eyes. “Marinette, you’re free to go. I’d say I hope you continue to improve, but it seems like you are already well along the road of improvement. Keep that young man around, he’s going to be good for you.”

She looked at Adrien, who gazed at her with all the love in the world. She giggled, really giggled for the first time since that night. “Oh, I plan on it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **My playlist for this chapter, and my muse for the interactions between Adrienette:**
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> “The Last of the Real Ones” - FOB  
> “Missing You” - FOB  
> “Just One Yesterday” - FOB  
> “Bishop’s Knife Trick” - FOB  
> “Hold Me Tight, Or Don’t” - FOB  
> “Church” - FOB  
> “I Don’t Care” - FOB  
> “This Ain’t A Scene, It’s An Arms Race - FOB  
> “This Is Gospel” - Panic! At The Disco  
> “Spotlight (Oh Nostalgia)” - Patrick Stump  
> “Angel with a Shotgun” - The Cab  
> “Keep On Keeping On” - Travie McCoy feat. Brendon Urie  
> “I’m So Sorry” - Imagine Dragons  
> “Holiday/Boulevard of Broken Dreams” Green Day  
> “Wilson (Expensive Mistakes)” - FOB  
> “Crushcrushcrush” - Paramore  
> “Kids In The Dark” - All Time Low


End file.
